Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Memories Don't March...

There are no pictures.

There are no signs.

There are no first day stories.

This year, our third without him, Gavin would have started third grade. 

One of the hardest things for me as a Mom is watching time march on when my memories don't. Even though he'd be starting third grade, I have no idea what that would look like. I have no idea what HE would look like. Gavin still looks like five and a half years old. He's frozen.

In many ways, I am, too.

I don't know how tall he'd be. I don't know how different his hair would be. I don't know what he would look like with missing and grown up teeth. I don't know if he'd be talking...or running...or more. 

I don't know if we'd still have him in the school we chose before his death. Maybe we wouldn't have loved it? Maybe we would have. I will never know. I don't know what his favorite foods or toys or music would be. 

I always connected - bonded, even - with Gavin's teachers. Would that still be true? Would I be invited to be as involved in his third grade year? Would he have a one on one aide still? Would he even need one?

For the last two weeks - and likely into the next - my computer screen will be bombarded with back to school photos and stories. I love this time of year and I love all the photos and I love all the stories...

But there's only one photo I long to see.
And one story I wish I could continue to write.

But that story will remain unwritten... 

Time marches on.
Memories don't.


  1. Tough days indeed, my friend. Missing the known and the unknown. Peace and love to you Kate!

  2. Kate, I couldn't agree with you more. It has been three years since we lost my son Rod just shy of his 24th birthday. would he have finished his senior year of college and be editing films right now. or writing or directing. He and Jen would be married by now maybe starting a family. Missing him and what he can't experience everyday. Sending you love and hugs. Barbara

  3. Your strength and courage are amazing. You are able to remain present for your two children here on Earth while still being a Mommy to Gavin and Darcy in Heaven. Your heart is in two places and that is nearly impossible, yet you are doing it. I hold space for you in my heart every day. Sending prayers.

  4. I understand. Last year was Faithie's first day of not going to school. I took pictures of her brothers in front of our cherry blossom tree. I ended up taking one of nobody representing Faithie's absence. I miss her so much. She is frozen at 10. I wish she was here to send off to 7th grade.

    Hugs Kate. You've been an inspiration to me on how to keep moving and loving on our sweet ones left here. I know you'd give up being an inspiration to have Gavin back in your arms. I understand that. Thank you for still sharing with us.

  5. There are no words Kate. I'm so very sorry xo


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