There are no pictures.
There are no signs.
There are no first day stories.
This year, our third without him, Gavin would have started third grade.
One of the hardest things for me as a Mom is watching time march on when my memories don't. Even though he'd be starting third grade, I have no idea what that would look like. I have no idea what HE would look like. Gavin still looks like Gavin...at five and a half years old. He's frozen.
In many ways, I am, too.
I don't know how tall he'd be. I don't know how different his hair would be. I don't know what he would look like with missing and grown up teeth. I don't know if he'd be talking...or running...or more.
I don't know if we'd still have him in the school we chose before his death. Maybe we wouldn't have loved it? Maybe we would have. I will never know. I don't know what his favorite foods or toys or music would be.
I always connected - bonded, even - with Gavin's teachers. Would that still be true? Would I be invited to be as involved in his third grade year? Would he have a one on one aide still? Would he even need one?
For the last two weeks - and likely into the next - my computer screen will be bombarded with back to school photos and stories. I love this time of year and I love all the photos and I love all the stories...
But there's only one photo I long to see.
And one story I wish I could continue to write.
But that story will remain unwritten...
Time marches on.