It's the night before Gavin's birthday. Tomorrow we will celebrate the day he would have turned eight. The truth is... we're not doing so well. Any of us.
It has been two years and five months since he left us so suddenly. Generally, as you know, I am positive. I can put a positive spin on most anything. But not lately.
Brian is especially struggling which I think has put us in a tailspin. There are just some hurts that can't be fixed.
There is not a lot worse in this world than losing a child... or watching a child suffer. I am currently experiencing both.
It has been two years and five months since our beautiful son died. And suddenly it feels like a dream. Did this really happen to us? Did I really watch Gavin die right in front of my eyes? Did I really speak at his funeral? How did we get here? And why... why... why.
The truth is, I will never get an answer to why. At least not while I'm alive.
Tomorrow we will celebrate the day my life as a Mother truly began. We will celebrate the boy who changed my life in every way. Five and a half years later my world would come crashing down when he was ripped away from us. Tomorrow I will try to remember his life - and not dwell on his death.
The truth is, right now, that is hard. For all of us.
And that is how I'm feeling on the night before my eighth year as Gavin's Mommy.