Sunday, June 14, 2015

Mourning What I Wish I Knew...

He's just the best brother. He knows her favorite things. He predicts her every move. He can find her tickle spots. He brings out the best laughs. He is tender and protective and so, so in love with her.
Every time I catch him doing something sweet for his little sister...helping her or playing with her or making her smile...
...I remind him,

"Brian, you know the way you're treating Hope right now? That reminds me of how Gavin used to treat you."
He loves to hear this. Every single time. He loves to be compared to Gavin - to think that he's living up to the high standards that Gavin set as his big brother.

I'm so grateful to see Brian and Hope's relationship grow and deepen. 
They chase each other around the house - he plays "peek a boo" with her until she collapses in a fit of giggles - they sit in the tee pee together and play pretend games - and he loves to hug and kiss her before bedtime. Now that he's home for the summer, he likes to come in to her room when I'm nursing her before her nap. Each morning he'll make up a new lullaby to sing to her. Take a listen to this morning's song...
But there are days when I watch them together and my heart hurts. I can't help but wonder what Gavin and Brian's relationship would be like now.

I would love to see them chasing each other around the house or playing in the yard. I long to see Gavin's face light up, as it always did, the second Brian would walk into the room. I wish I knew what I should be mourning, exactly.
I suppose that's it.

I'm mourning what I wish I knew. 

Oh, how I wish I knew...


  1. Brian is just so adorable, just like Gavin. Mourning and grief are hard, there's no manual or instructions, I wish so much that there were. I wish there were some magical words to heal your hearts, but there aren't. All I can, all any of us can, do it to be here for you and honour Gavin as much as we can xo

  2. Every time I see one of your posts, I pray for God to comfort your hurting heart. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy.

  3. Praying for you always, dear Kate! You are a remarkable woman. By the way, this blog somehow has me living in Anchorage, Alaska. Actually I live about 400 miles north of Anchorage in North Pole, Alaska (near Fairbanks). Hugs to you and yours!!


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