Tuesday, April 14, 2015

This is What Two Years Looks Like...

Dear Gavin,

It's been two years.  I can't believe it.  Two years since I held you, saw your smile, heard your laugh, cheered you on and kissed your soft skin.  The time has flown - but it hasn't.  Some days seem to last forever - yet time has so rudely marched on.  To say I miss you wouldn't be enough.  I ache for you.

But today, my birthday, was not so hard.  Your Dad and I feel the days leading up to the day you died - both when it was happening and now - are harder.  It was brutal when it was happening.  So much so that the moment you passed away felt like a relief.  Your body was changing and you were no longer the Gavin we knew you to be.  You were set free - and it was a beautiful birthday gift to know that you were no longer tied down by tubes or machines or pain.  

I woke up this morning feeling so loved.  As I reached my hand under my pillow, I pulled out the most adorable card.  Brian made this on his own without any help, he told me.  It was the best gift.  There's nothing better than a homemade card!

So, as we try to do every day, we celebrated life today.  Yours, mine, our entire little family.  Daddy took the day off and we kept Brian out of school so we could all go to the Please Touch Museum!!  Brian and Hope had SO much fun. I think Hope felt like she had won the lottery when I let her out of the stroller and didn't stop her from touching everything!!

The first experience we had was, fittingly, with water.  They had a little river set up for kids to sail boats and splash and it was so much fun.  

Hope had a great time in a miniature playground just for babies and toddlers!  I could tell she felt like such a big girl - holding her own with the other little kids in there with her.

Brian was the tour guide for the day and didn't steer us wrong.  He found this awesome elephant made out of old toys and collectibles...

He found a room filled with GIANT tinkertoys and we created a house together!

And he found a penny press!  You should see how big his pressed penny collection is now, Gavin!

We went on the carousel two times in a row.  I know you would have loved that.

Brian picked a seat so we could all sit together.

Hope loved the ride...

a LOT!  Ha!

We took some fun pictures...

And then we fell down the rabbit hole.

Brian discovered an entire town down there!  They had a hospital, a shoe store, a brick yard and a supermarket!  Brian and I quickly got to food shopping.  I was in aisle three looking for Pop Tarts while he made a bee line for the fresh vegetables.  Well, fresh plastic vegetables.  That's right, Brian.  Do as I say and not as I do.

Hope found us a new home with a white picket fence and became intensely attached to the stuffed dog that lived there.  That was a sad goodbye.
All throughout the day, we talked about you.  We remembered funny times and sad times, family memories and memories that only you and Brian shared.
So basically, what I'm trying to say, is that today was like any other day.  You are on our minds, in our hearts, in our house and in our conversations every day.  That will never change.

If anyone wonders what it looks like on the two year anniversary of the death of a 5 year old little boy who was our world...
...it looks a lot like life.
I love you, Bugaboo.
Love, Mommy


  1. OMG - what a way to celebrate Gavin! How beautiful. Death as hard as it is, there is a thin line between life and death. I'd like to think that our loved ones who leave us way too soon can watch us from wherever they are now and know that we love them more than ever.

  2. This post made me cry Kate, so beautiful so raw so touching..little Hope is beautiful and looks a lot like Gavin. Thank you for your posts.

  3. Hope you had a wonderful birthday! The please touch is one of my favorite places to take the children I nanny. I am happy that you were able to celebrate your birthday, celebrating Gavin, celebrating life!xoxo

  4. Oh Kate, your family is so blessed to have you. You are all so blessed to have each other. Gavin brought you so much in the short time he shared with you and you are able to let us all share int eh magic. Thank you so much.

  5. Beautiful post. I know Gavin was watching Brian and Hope, with Darcy and 3 of their grandparents. Forever in our hearts Gavin 💙 I know it sound strange, but after my sister died 16 weeks after our dad, it gave us all a sense of peace and understanding in a way. Our dad had to go to be in heaven for our sister. I know it doesn't make much sense but, to us, it helped knowing they're together. I guess that's the only way we can cope, even today, with losing half of our family in such a short time. xo

  6. I know you probably are already aware, but it never hurts to be reminded, Gavin's life touched so many peoples lives. Your posts, your words, are always a reminder to treasure the here & now. To not worry so much about tomorrow. My heart aches and breaks for what you all have had to walk through, I can only imagine what it feels like, and just imagining is enough to start the tears. I love how you choose joy and choose to honor life. Every.day. I am sure there are days it's hard to make that choice, and people wouldn't blame you for not making that choice. You are an inspiration to me, as a writer, as a mom, as a wife, and as another woman in this crazy journey of life. So many hugs to you & your sweet family.


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