Monday, April 13, 2015

The Night Before Goodbye...

I will remember how I felt on this day in 2013 forever.  It's ingrained in the part of my memory center that houses feelings of devastation and sadness and anger and pain.  I didn't know it was the night before goodbye until the next day, when Gavin was pronounced dead.  But my heart knew it would soon be time to let go of my first born son... and I could feel it shattering.

It was the strangest day.  There were very clinical (and quite upsetting) "Brain Death" examinations.  There were moments when we just laid in bed with Gavin and sobbed.  Then, there were moments when it felt right to plan ahead for funeral preparations - and so, very wrong to think of planning at all.  This was the third day of torture - watching our son's appearance slowly change and watching him gently die.

If you want to go back and read about that day, you can click here to read "Our Mystery Boy."

Tomorrow we will celebrate Gavin's life as a family.  We will smile and laugh. We will tell stories about him, like we always do, and remember all the reasons he changed us and taught us and made us proud and happy.  We will remember all of his doctors who cared for him - and for us as a family - so lovingly during his life and especially during his final days.  We will be together - all of us. Gavin and Brian and Darcy and Hope and Mommy and Daddy.

Lately, Hope has been reaching her arm up into the air and looking up with her eyes when you ask her "Where is Gavin?" or "What does Gavin say?"  The other day, I had Brian and Hope out on the swingset when she did it again.

"Brian!  Did you see that?  I think Hope sees Gavin.  I just asked her 'Where's Gavin?' and she reached her hand up into the sky!" I said.

Brian replied, "Yeah, I know she sees him.  He touches her hand when she reaches it up!  He does that to me, too!"
I believe him.  

I will never forget how I felt on this day two years ago.  

The night before goodbye.

I'm lifting my heart to the sky tonight just for you, Gavin.


  1. OH SHEEESH I got chills reading what Brian said. Good ones of course.

  2. Me too. I have to believe in all of this otherwise what are we doing here? k love how real and raw you have been since the very beginning. I will be lighting a candle for 'our' angel and all of those other angels who touch our children's hands, and help us know heaven is for real.

  3. Kate I am sending love and hugs to you and your family. This Friday night will be our night before we said goodbye to Roddy...he was 23. I watched him slowly die over a four month period.....he was strong, brave and determined. He wouldn't stand for pity. He spent many late nights asking me to hold him and we would have special talks bittersweet. He was unable to communicate to us the last twelve hours of his life. Reading your blog has helped me in many ways. This second year was much harder then the first. You have a beautiful spirit and a beautiful family. I know you mourn for Darcy and Gavin but you also celebrate them and keep their memories alive. I wish you and your family peace and love.πŸ‘¨‍πŸ‘©‍πŸ‘§‍πŸ‘¦πŸ˜‡πŸ˜‡πŸ’ž

  4. I believe it! When I was 8 months pregnant with my son, my beloved grandpa passed away unexpectedly on the 17th hole at his golf course. When my son was about four, we were looking through pictures and I said, "I wish you could have met him, he would have loved you." My son said, "I did meet him, when I was in heaven. I held his hand." I have no doubt this happened. Hugs to you. XOXO

  5. I believe Brian too. Kids can see things we can't because they are innocent and don't know any better. I hope he never looses it when he grows. Sometimes I wish I was still a kid.

  6. So beautiful. Their eyes are unfiltered. So happy that your heart is unfiltered and believe them. God's blessings to all of you.

  7. Bless you and your family, they have a great sense of belonging! You are all so in touch with your world.

  8. I believe Brian too. It's the 24th here in the UK, so Happy Birthday Kate, Gavin always in our hearts, never forgotten. A true Super hero πŸ’™

  9. how wonderful that they see and feel their brother. my heart is with you and your family today. Happy Birthday Kate!

  10. Tomorrow is my birthday as well. I remember reading along last year and finally seeing the as news. This day won't ever be the same, but in a sweet as well as sad way. I think of your family often and still enjoy reading all your posts. You are one amazing lady- and happy birthday

  11. That was a very touching, beautiful story. Children are so precious and sweet. My girlfriend had a sister that was stillborn just before she was born. Her mother tells me that she would do similar things in her crib, and she had never even met her sister.


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