Monday, February 9, 2015

Falling Apart...

There's no other way to describe it right now:  I feel like I'm falling apart.  Well, like our little world is spiraling out of control at the moment.

It's more than illnesses at this point - even though that has been stressful and never-ending and isolating and worrisome and a trigger for a lot of trapped grief and emotions.  No big whoop.

It's more than illness - even though Hope caught ANOTHER cold... even though her yeast rash got WORSE and I had to go back to the original medication, Nystatin ointment, out of desperation... even though I then caught a cold and I feel like crap.

It's more than illness - even though illness has caused us to cancel MANY things.  Ed and Hope missed the family Christmas party... Brian missed a friend's birthday party... we had to sell our tickets to Disney on Ice (and we had really great seats that I bought months and months in advance)... we had to cancel a trip to meet my first Great Nephew, William, in New Hampshire - TWICE... and the list goes on.

It's more than illness - even though Hope's issues, whether it was Croup or the Flu or teeth or a painful yeast rash or a cold or a combination of two or more has kept her up at night wanting something, anything, desperately from Mommy to make it better.  Sometimes I got lucky and could - sometimes it was an extra long night for both of us.

It's more than illness.  There's an underlying stress about Ed's company relocating to Lexington, MA and the uncertainty of all of that.

And it was never more apparent that it was more than colds and canceled birthday parties and the flu and sleepless nights until this morning.  Suddenly all of that meant nothing.

"Mommy?  Do I have gym class today?" Brian asked me.

"No, buddy - that is on Wednesday,"  I replied.

"Good."  He seemed relieved.

"Why good?  I thought you loved gym!"  

"I do.  But every time we run I can't catch my breath and my chest hurts.  That's all," he said as he put his hand on his HEART.

And then he left my arms to get on the bus.
Brian has had a heart murmur his whole life - and until this morning has never shown any symptoms or had any complaints.  I took him to see a Cardiologist (at duPont, of course) when he had just turned four and was told that the murmur was innocent and not to worry.
Well, today - I have cause to worry.

I immediately called the office of Dr. Gina Baffa - the cardiologist that treated Gavin in his final days.  She fit Brian in immediately this Wednesday at 2.

Maybe it's nothing.
Maybe it's something.
Either way - I'm falling apart as things continue to get piled on top of me.

You'd think after 5 1/2 years with Gavin - when one issue after another was piled on top of me on a monthly, weekly, sometimes daily basis - that I'd not be phased by this.

But that's where you'd be wrong.  With Gavin, I was only ever "blindsided" three times.  

- When he was born and it became apparent that something was wrong - but no one knew what.
- When he suffered a severe corneal abrasion and we spent months trying to save his eye, which included unlacing his stitched-closed eye every two hours to apply ointment - and he still came close to losing his eye.  That was a pretty stressful time.  You can read about just ONE of my meltdowns during that time in this CaringBridge post.
- The biggest blindside of them all?  When a stupid febrile seizure - out of the blue - stopped his heart and ended his life.

I'm not used to expecting anything from Brian.  So now I'm scared.

Maybe it's nothing.
Maybe it's something.
But suddenly the last three months of constant illnesses and frustrations seem insignificant. 

I will write again after Wednesday's appointment.
Please, if you could, send positive energy and fervent prayers our way...


41 comments:

  1. Sending prayers for Brian, and for you and your family. We too are dealing with a lot right now. But I tend to keep a lot to myself. Since I have little to no support from my husband, because he thinks everything is fine. This coming from the man who takes tons of misc. pills to keep himself well! But yet when it comes to my health or the kid's health, everything is fine. They just complain too much. And he's not responsible at all for how our 7 year old son does in school! It's perfectly fine with him if he flunks out of 1st grade. It's fine with him if he ends up in summer school. It will be his own fault. I will say it again, he is only 7 years old! Not 12!!! I could so walk outside and scream right now!

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  2. I read but never comment. PRAYING for Brian and your family. For health, and strength. Hang in there, Momma!

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  3. Oh Kate, i pray often and alot of them are for your family but I am going to step it up 10000"s notches and pray with all my might that Brian is just fine, thats its maybe just an after affect from his recent illnesses💖💖 prayers are being said as we speak and a candle will be burning all day long as a continuance prayer for your very sweet, very gentle loving little boy💖❤❤

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  4. Kate, I'm praying that it's truly nothing, just leftover from his colds. Or if it is something, it's very minor and easily treatable. And I'm praying for you, that you have some peace and respite from the illnesses hitting your family right now. You must be exhausted! Hugs to you and prayers for a good day and healing for your family.

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  5. Hi. We've never met or spoken, I live far away in the UK, but I want you to know that I am rooting for you folks and sending every single good wish that the Universe can muster your way. x

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  6. Sending positive thoughts and prayers!! <3 your little family!

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  7. Definitely will be sending love and prayers your way! You're a great mom!

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  8. Maybe he has asthma. Prayers and positive thoughts!

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  9. Prayers are coming for your sweet boy! My thoughts are with you .

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  10. I sincerely hope it's nothing. So glad they were able to fit you in this week. ((hugs))

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  11. Oh Kate, I'm so sorry. I can feel your panic. There's been so much to deal with and now this. I truly believe that Brian's issues will turn out to be something that can readily be dealt with and that he will be FINE. But, in the meantime, I'm stretching my arms out to send all the positive energy I can find and stretching my heart out to send up prayers for all of you. Lean on the love and support that I know is flooding your way and believe...

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  12. Praying for strength and a good outcome!!!!

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  13. I have been reading your blog for years. I want to send you warm and healing thoughts. I know that the last thing you need is a move, but please know if you do end up moving this way, I would be happy to help you. I have 2 13-year olds who love little kids and are great babysitters and can help. I will help you as well get adjusted if you need it. Please reach out to me!

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  14. Praying for all of you. I know waiting for that appointment will be tough--I hope Wednesday afternoon comes quickly. Hang in there, you're a great mom.

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  15. Hang in there! You are an awesome Mom and I know it will be hard to wait patiently until Wednesday....I am sending many prayers and hugs to you and your family.

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  16. Lovely Kate, so many loving thoughts and good energy your way

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  17. Sending prayers, positive thoughts, good energy your way! Love your family and your blog. Constant reader though I never comment! :)

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  18. Definite prayers .... hoping it is "just" a chest cold. Strength for you.

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  19. Sending you prayers, hugs, good Karma, positive energy, Fairy Dust,
    and lots and lots and lots of love.

    Also, if it makes you feel any better, I had the same chest pains running when I was little--particularly if it was outdoors--and I never had any cardiac issues, although my oldest son (who never had chest pain) did.

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  20. Praying that all goes well!!!

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  21. Hail Mary, full of grace.
    Our Lord is with thee.
    Blessed art thou among women,
    and blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
    Jesus.
    Holy Mary, Mother of God,
    pray for us sinners,
    now and at the hour of our death.
    Amen.

    Dear Mary, Please watch over Brian and keep him safe. Please send peace and strength and rest to his home. His momma, Kate, could use your loving embrace right now. Please help her calm her mind and rest. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

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  22. Kate, praying for your family. My dd, who is now 18, has asthma and when she ran she would get out of breath and it would cause her chest to hurt. Maybe it's as simple as sports induced asthma. It makes getting over colds with coughs a pain in the rear, but an inhaler does magic for the lungs. Hang in there. We are all sending positive thoughts your way.

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  23. Prayers and positive thoughts for you and your family!

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  24. Kate, all of you are in my prayers.. I hope Brian is ok, Hope gets well and stays well and that spring come soon for you and all the people on the east coast. mary

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  25. you all will be in my fervent prayers ALL day.

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  26. I'm praying too. For Your family, for Brian, and especially for you and your peace of mind. You have been strong for so many people for so long... If you need to go ahead and fall apart, it's okay. We will be strong for you. ❤️

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  27. Sending you positive vibes and prayers for your family. Wanted to share a homemade well tested butter that we use to cure all kinds of skin rashes/illnesses. When you get back with good news that everything is ok.

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  28. I am sending every positive, peaceful vibe you way. I am so very sorry that you cannot seem to catch a freaking break. I hope that you see Gavin's greatest gift, giving you the knowledge of knowing immediately who to call, when to worry and more importantly letting Brian get on that bus even though your heart was shattering.

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  29. I can't imagine your stress level right now, nor will I pretend to. Just know that your family is in my thoughts and prayers! ♥

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  30. My son had asthma when he was little, and my daughter has had asthma since she was about 2, and "out of breath and my chest hurts" is how they would describe trying to run after having a cold. Here's hoping that's what it is! (My daughter is now 10 years old, her asthma is completely controlled with a once-a-day inhaler, and she has played soccer with no issues for the past 6 years :) )

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  31. I'm so happy I caught this post BEFORE Wednesday. Because every little bit of love & light helps... and I'm sending both Brian's way!! Ok, ok.. and your's too Kate. :-) Praying that all will be well!

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  32. dear Kate, thinking and praying for your little family and for sweet Brian in particular.

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  33. Praying with purpose and good results. You have many, many are warriors throughout the world lifting you up! Hugs and prayers from Mississippi!

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  34. Maybe it's nothing!! Let's think that way! here we are with you and praying to hear "It's nothing"!

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