Monday, February 16, 2015

Do You Miss Me?...

"My son died," I find myself telling people who don't know or haven't heard.

Inevitably they say things to me like, "How are you still standing?  I don't know that I could survive that.  I don't think I would ever get out of bed.  I would want to dive into the grave with my child if they died."

And I always explain it the same way:  "Losing my son is the single most devastating thing that has ever happened to me - and probably ever will.  But hurting myself or giving up or wanting to die, too, would not honor his life.  I made a vow when he died that the best ways to honor Gavin's life were to live... and to not screw up his siblings.  He would be very upset with me if I ruined his brother and sister's lives."

So, that is what I am doing.  That is what WE are doing.

I have to believe that we are on to something.

As I sit at the art table and color... or make blanket forts... or play game after game of Chutes and Ladders...
...the giggles and the smiles and even the occasional cheating and making up new rules of a game make me feel close to you.
I remember sitting at the same art table playing with you.
As I chase your sister around the house and watch her get into mischief over and over and over again...
...I find myself quite amused.  Even when she's naughty.
I remember when you started "getting into things." But knowing how hard you worked to get into those things in the first place - a "mischievous moment" turned into a "miraculous moment."
In other words - you had a good excuse.  Hope gets away with it because - well - could anyone resist that face?!?
As I watch Brian and Hope play together... 
and as I see their relationship deepen and widen - 
 
I smile as I remember how close you and Brian had become.
He misses you so much.

There are a lot of things I can do.  I can play and I can love and I can mother your brother and sister with my whole and broken heart.

I can try to help others as much as I can to continue your legacy.  I can talk about you so Brian and Hope remember and know you.  I can love your Father.

I can remind myself to breathe and eat and not drink and get sleep and breathe and smile.

But there's one thing that I can not do.  I can no longer mother you with my whole being.  I can't cook for you... feed you... make you smile or laugh.  I can no longer take you on rides or play with you in the playroom.  I can no longer hear you giggle when I tickle you.  I can't plan for your future.  I can't hold you in my arms.

So as I rock your baby sister in your rocking chair or tuck your brother in at night...
I remember the nighttime snuggles we shared.
And even though I know you have plenty of loving souls to mother you in Heaven and I am sure you are so, so happy and free.  I wish... selfishly... that I could get the answer to the question that weighs heavy on my heart.

Do you miss me?
Do your arms ache for my embrace as much as my arms feel empty without you?
I just need to know that you miss me.

(I know it's very tempting to answer this question for Gavin... but please know that the only person I desire to hear the answer from is him.  One day... )



10 comments:

  1. Oh Kate....that is one of the things I wonder about my son...does he miss me. Is he okay? Is his cancer gone now with all of its pain. I just want to hear his voice and get one of his all encompassing hugs.Hope and Brian are beautiful. I have two beautiful daughters...it's hard for them too.

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    Replies
    1. Rest assured that his cancer is gone and that he is with God.

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  2. No one but Gavin can give your answer you are right. Remember back to the days when he was near though, and he found ways of getting your attention of getting your cuddles. That is how you can know, nothing replaces a mother's love, so no matter how many people in heaven are doing are him, I believe he will be waiting until the day he can curl up in your arms again.
    No we can't answer that question, but I hope that we can help bring you piece that Gavin will be waiting for you and ready to show you his answer when you are together again.

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  3. I like what others have written. You will know when you meet him one day. I believe our loved ones can see us from Heaven and do desire us to be with them. They also know that they have to wait for you. They are healthy and whole. They are happy. rest in this knowledge and be at peace. Love you all.

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  4. I wonder if my sweet daughter Rebecca misses me. Does she miss the sound of my voice or the touch of my hand as much as I miss hers. Does she know she has the most precious nephew who wrinkles his nose with a mishevious smile just like her. I wonder, yes I wonder.

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  5. Oh Kate. I haven't read one of your journals in a while bc my heart breaks for you every time. I cry every time I see Gavin or read your posts about him. Its not right! Its not fair. This is a painful sadness and its an odd feeling to have for a child I never knew. I've never been so moved or grieved this deeply as I have for Gavin or my friends nephew Scotty. Scotty was murdered by child abuse and it is just devastating to me that ppl take their children for granted and hurt them while others are longing for their child. You are a great mom and you are doing an amazing job honoring Gavin's memory. May God continue to bless you with strength and comfort. I believe he visits you sometimes and sits on your lap, hugs you, says mommy I'm ok, you may not see him but he's there. When u hear hope laugh, she's playing with Gavin, or see her smile at what you think is nothing. Hes there and I'm sure you've seen the signs. :( Gob Bless <3

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  6. Oh Kate, this just breaks my heart, I know we can't answer if Gavin misses you, but two things I can answer, you honour Gavin everyday, you've shared his journey, so not only do you honour Gavin, but ALL of us honour Gavin too. You, Kate, let us love all of your family, none of us will ever forget Gavin, he's in my heart, he's in all of our hearts and secondly you aren't screwing up Hope or Brian, you're a wonderful Mother and nothing can ever change that xoxo

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  7. Gavin, in his short life, had more love and attention than some kids ever get. Look again at that photo with both of you wearing striped shirts...you can see the pure joy and happiness on Gavin's face! As you are already doing, the best way to honor Gavin is to continue to be the best mom you can be for Brian and Hope. He's forever in your heart and one day you'll see him again. Hugs to you and your family.

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  8. Kate, thanks for the cry at my desk at work! It's not the first time I cry here so it's ok. My coworkers act as if they don't even notice me weeping & ask me for things anyway. I guess that's a perk, lol. Anyway, I really just wanted to say how much I enjoy that picture of Gavin with the cream in the kitchen.... Him showing off his cream filled hand, oh and all that lotion on the wood floors (which I know you still finding in the cracks).. make for a picture that always puts a smile on my face. I'm sure the memory makes you laugh too!

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  9. Kate my first response was more about me and my struggle. I just want to say that reading your journal about your family helps me with my grief. But you are such a wonderful mom. You can see on Gavin's face how much he was loved and still is because you share him with all of us. Hope and Brian are so adorable together...such good friends right from the start. Your children are wonderful because of the love and values you and your husband are giving them.I wish I had the answers for both of us...Do our sons miss us? I can't answer that but I miss him with my whole being. Take care of yourself....be kind to the wonderful mother you are.

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