This is a very hard post to write. Mostly because I don't know WHAT to write! That is the problem... and lately, the story of my life.
I'll get to the point.
I'm thinking about ending Chasing Rainbows.
I was going to keep all of this to myself until I decided for sure, but I've decided to share what I'm going through for a couple reasons. One: it wouldn't be like me NOT to share it all. Two: I want to explain why my posts have been spaced further apart.
I am not sharing what I'm going through for any of THESE reasons: advice, compliments or judgement.
This has been a really gut wrenching time for me. That may seem silly - this is just a blog.
But that's the thing. It's not just a blog. At least not to me.
I've always called this an "accidental blog." As most of you already know, it started when Gavin was hospitalized as an infant - my journal on CaringBridge was a great way to keep family and friends informed of his status. I continued to write when he came home... and didn't stop through all of his therapies... it turned into a "Special Needs Blog" along the way... and then a place for women to relate if they had fertility issues or multiple miscarriages. When Brian was born, I wrote about him and his development and the special relationship that formed between the two brothers. I wrote about Darcy and her devastatingly beautiful birth on Mother's Day, 2010. I never - in a million years - thought I would ever write about the death of another child.
But then Gavin died - with no warning. And my world was turned upside down.
It's very hard for me to believe that we're already a year and a half past that dreadful, heartbreaking day.
The first year I poured myself into this blog. I needed it. And I felt like I had so much to say... about Gavin, Brian, my pregnancy, my feelings... several fundraising ideas that turned into events that brought in close to a hundred thousand dollars in Gavin's name spread over several charities. And, of course, I wrote about Hope. And I also wrote about hope.
But now, I'm at a loss.
I took a break last month. The longest break I've ever taken since I started writing on January 26, 2008. I expected to feel the need to write much sooner than I did. But the reality was - I loved the break. That feeling both shocked and confused me. It was then that I started weighing the pros and cons of walking away.
I've really been going back and forth and back and forth.
I love that I have a detailed journal for my children to read when they get older. Not just a journal of their development and their experiences...but a book of love. The most important parenting technique to me is ensuring that my children always feel cherished and wanted and SEEN.
I've thought, "Maybe I can make the blog 'private' and continue to keep that journal!"
But - if I'm being very honest - I don't think I would have the discipline to keep up with it. Having an audience isn't motivating because of the attention or the comments or the 'likes'. Having an audience is motivating because it's like a "deadline." And it keeps me accountable.
This blog has absolutely been a HUGE help for me as I've grieved my little boy. The writing was my therapy... but it wasn't just that. I easily could have holed up in my house with Brian during my very exhausting (in every way) pregnancy... and afterward. But knowing that readers were waiting for a journal entry was often a motivator for me to keep moving. To take Brian out and have an experience that I could then write about. I may have WANTED to do nothing - but this blog made me do something and it was always the better choice.
But - on the "con" side - Brian is getting older and, with that, comes a legitimate expectation of privacy.
I struggle now with what to write about. I felt like I had a purpose - a theme - before Gavin died. Now that Brian is in school all day - and it's just me and Hope at home - I don't have a lot to say. At least anything that's very compelling.
I still refuse to advertise or take advantage of the many offers that come my way on a daily basis. That is not - and never will be - a motivator for me. It's never been what this blog is about. I don't judge anyone who chooses to advertise or do sponsored posts - it's just not for me. I won't be fundraising anymore, either. I had a great opportunity that first year, with so many eyes on me, and I ran with it. I'll always be humbled (and grateful) for every dime that was sent my way. I hope you all could see that the money was put to good use.
I feel a responsibility to keep everyone informed as the hospital continues to plan and then starts to develop and then completes the "All Abilities Playground." So I thought that I could keep the blog up and write on occasions like the kids birthdays and Gavin's anniversary and if something big or exciting happens - like the unveiling of that playground. If I do end the blog, I would likely keep it open as resource. It's so heartwarming when someone discovers my journal because they google something that I've written about - like the chest strap that my Mom made for Gavin or different alternative therapy techniques that I spelled out.
If I'm being very honest, part of me feels overwhelmed with the amount of readers and the number of eyes and the mounting expectations. Some days it becomes too much.
This is what is going on... how I've been feeling... and I'm still back and forth every day. Ed has patiently listened to me weigh the pros and cons for over a month now. He's on the fence, too, and it's not even his blog! But he is supportive of anything I choose - as always.
So, as I continue to try to come to a decision that feels right for me and for our family... I will keep writing. It won't be every day - or even every other some weeks! I will write about my final decision - even if it's to stay and continue the blog as-is. Maybe I will find a way to re-invent this space that feels good. Who knows...
As I said - I'm really undecided. I appreciate, as always, your interest...and your love for our little family. And I thank you so much for your support.