Monday, March 17, 2014

That's Just How It's Going to Be...

This past Friday, March 14th, was 11 months from the day Gavin died.

I didn't write about it... or even acknowledge it.  But I didn't forget.

On this blog, my page for Gavin reads like he's still alive.

I haven't updated it.  But I didn't forget about it.

My facebook page shows my current "career" as a "Happy Mom raising two boys at home."
I haven't changed it.  But I didn't forget to.

Part of me is in denial.  Eleven months??  It can't be.  Sometimes it doesn't even feel like eleven days.

Part of me is angry.  I sat down and read Gavin's page on this blog once and it broke my heart.  This little boy was robbed.  He worked so hard.  Made so much progress.  Had so much potential.  And then... gone.  So yes.  I'm angry and I'll express it by letting him stay alive on that page.  Will it confuse some people who are new to my page?  Maybe.  But I'm angry about it so I don't care.  Robbed, I tell you.

Part of me is determined.  Determined to remain the "happy Mom" I always aspired to be.  I went from raising two boys to now raising a boy and a girl.  I'll always be Gavin's Mommy... but I lost the part of my job that was raising him.  I'm not happy with my employer about that.  And when I have my "box throwing in the garage" moments, I let him know.  But He can take it. 

"A lot can happen in a year," I tell people all the time.

And that's true.  Very true.  I lost a son... gained a daughter.

But a lot can happen in TWELVE years.  It was that long ago on this very day that I met Ed.  

We fell hard for each other immediately.  We didn't want our first date to end... and in many ways, it never did. We've been tested more than most couples, that's for sure.  But I'm proud of all the fires we've extinguished... all the hot coals we've had to walk over, hand in hand.  We're still here... still handling all that life throws our way... 
I'm the positive dreamer - I always think everything will work out the way it should and we'll always be fine no matter what.

Ed's the practical planner - reining me in at times and making sure we're ready for a storm with a proper umbrella.

Basically, we balance each other out.  

On April 14th, I will turn 44.  And Gavin will have been dead one year.  And it will be one year since I somehow knew deep inside that I was pregnant - with a girl - named Hope.  I could be in denial about all three of those things.  But honestly, I am really only in denial about one.

So everything is going to stay just how it is for now.  I will still be "A happy Mom raising two boys at home" and Gavin will still be very much alive on his page and that's just how it's going to be for a while.

That's just how it's going to be... 

 (p.s. - edited to add - this post was not a message to anyone!  It was inspired only by my grief.)




14 comments:

  1. Sounds like that's the way it is. :)

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  2. And as it should be....Gavin will never be forgotten and you will always be the Mom to 2 beautiful boys and one beautiful girl. Praying for your heart...I know it is still broken.

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  3. When I read your blog, I feel your heartbreak right along with you. Maybe not as intensely, but I have a little boy, a little boy who is working hard and fighting through his disabilities, and my number one fear is that I will lose him someday. His disease is generally not fatal, but your blog does remind me that anything can happen. So I cherish every moment

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  4. good.
    Whatever you write is perfect....everything about this Blog is perfect.
    .....and good for you for not letting expectations of others invade your deeply personal process.(I'm reading between the lines,so if I'm wrong, I'm sorry)
    Thanks for sharing and letting me know that I can still feel "lucky" and "Blessed" but still be really sad also....that being one doesn't mean I can't be the other. :)

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    1. Nope! Single spacing...no room to read between the lines. This wasn't prompted by anything else but my own feelings.

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  5. Aw,Kate. Please just let it be that. Forever if that's what you need!

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  6. Love it. So many tears I cried with you reading, but never felt compelled to say anything until today. I always think of my Sophie when I read about Gavin, she too touches my soul with her serene presence. Your blog reads as if Gavin's alive, because he lives on. He touched so many hearts, and so many of us love him through your writing. He can (he should) figure on these pages however you see fit. When you are ready to make a change, you will know. <3

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  8. And that is how it should be! However you, Kate, would like it to be! Be blessed and thank you for sharing your family, as well as your heart with all of us!

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  9. I am a mom of 7 two of which havr cerebral palsy age 8 and 7 they work do hard and I feel they are robbed also of doing things other kids do. No comparison to ur grief. I just want u to know how u feek is perfectly acceptable.

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  10. To Raise
    1.
    lift or move to a higher position or level.

    2.
    construct or build (a structure).

    3.
    increase the amount, level, or strength

    4.
    promote (someone) to a higher rank

    Sounds to me like you are still "raising" Gavin. Just in a different way! :)

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  11. No matter if Gavin is in Heaven, you'll always be his mom. Death could never change that. Thinking of you and your family <3

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