Sunday, February 9, 2014

Taking Back April...

Well, the bad news is - Peppy the fish is still at the bottom of his tank "resting."  He neither thawed nor rose from the dead.  I will be sneaking in a replacement fish soon.

The other bad news is - people in our area are still without power.  This is day five.  Please send LOTS of positive thoughts to Pennsylvania.  Because, trust me, they need a boost of positivity to keep their senses of humor.  Especially if they've been cooped up in a hotel - or with their in laws - or in a shelter - with kids.  It's not easy.

And quasi bad news... it's snowing.  Again.  Brian likely won't have school tomorrow.  Again.  This isn't bad news for me, though.  Getting both kids up, ready and out the door - especially Hope who is not on a strict eating schedule - can be slightly stressful.  Given the choice, I'd rather leisurely get up - stay in our pajamas through breakfast - you know... be lazy.  But, I feel for Brian.  I know he must be missing his friends... the structure of school... and non-boring adults.

Now that we got that over with, let's move on to the GOOD news!!!

Hope turned TEN weeks yesterday.  TEN WEEKS!  Can you even believe it's been ten weeks since I posted THIS??
Hope is getting so big - and she's changing every day.  She's this close to laughing... I know it.  But for now, we are blessed with big wide grins that have the promise of a giggle behind them.  She really is so cute - and I don't feel at all like I'm bragging when I say that.  
I just hope as she grows into a girl and then into a teen and then, a woman... I hope that she feels beautiful in every way.  Inside and out - no matter what.
Here are some pictures from her big day...
Brian continues to be a remarkable brother.  
It's been ten weeks and he has shown ZERO jealousy or "left-outedness syndrome."  Sure, there's still time for that - I know.  But honestly, I don't think it's going to happen.  There were plenty of reasons for him to feel jealous of Gavin and the amount of attention he (needed) received... and he never did.  Brian is a very special kid.  I mean that.  He has a sensitivity and a wiseness that belie his five years.
He's so good with Hope.  And he can always get a big smile out of her!  I wonder what "knock-knock joke" he was whispering in her ear for this shot...

Lately I have had little pangs of anxiety at random times.  It happens every time I think about April... and how fast it is approaching.  I have found the swiftness of time to be extremely rude.  It seems impossible that in just 64 days it will mark the one year anniversary of Gavin's death.  
I'm trying to think of things we can do that month.  I'm planning on "Taking Back April."  

Let me explain what I mean.

I don't at all mean that I want to "forget" what happened in April - or disrespect Gavin's memory in any way.  That's not what I mean at all.  But right now, April holds the memory of a tragedy.  I don't want every April to be dreaded because Gavin died.  I want every April to be anticipated as an extra special month to remember that he lived... and to celebrate that.  
So far, we have planned Hope's baptism tentatively for April 5th.  After all, we realized she existed on the very day he died.  Now I just need to come up with other things.  Perhaps we'll volunteer at the Gift of Life Family House... or go back to DuPont to do something special.  Maybe we'll go to the beach or do fun things as a family.  I want to choose things that will make Gavin proud of us... or happy as he watches us from Heaven.  Because I know he's always watching.  And I know he always will.

We had some fun with the camera today.  In other news, we have too much time on our hands. 
 Thank you, as always, for loving our little family.


  1. Kate, I thank you for writing your little family's story. As always, it reminds me to slow down and be thankful for the little things. And I don't think I could be more grateful for that reminder.

  2. When I had my baby I was worried my 8 year old would be jealous. He only got mad when other people held her because he wanted to be the one holding her, his baby as he said (unless she pooped, then she was all mine).

  3. I love the "take back April" theme. Good luck with your planning. I am glad that you got your power back, but it is tough to hear that there are still people without power. We went 9 days without power during Sandy and it was miserable. Sending good vibes to PA.

  4. I can really feel where you are coming from about this upcoming April. After my brother passed i knew the one year would be really hard but i decided to do something in memory. Of course i was still grieving but i refused do sit down a dread that day for years to come. I fear that too many people lose themselves in grief when they celebrate the death as as oppose to the life. I went out that first year on my motorcycle and played some music he really liked when we were kids and laughed and laugh knowing he would be calling me a big dork for what i was doing. It felt good and it helped pass the time.

    I wish you the best for the hard days to come. I hope you find a way to do something lovely to remember your little boy. It might be a little cold for the beach but maybe an under the sea themed party/ dinner for you guys.

    - Your internet friend from the next county over,


  5. Kate, Hope truly is a beautiful baby and Brian is a wonderful brother...I can see it in his face and loving actions. I am sorry you had to be 'holed up' in a hotel & away from your home, but you made it an adventure & Brian seemed to be loving it (I saw your facebook page and how he was loving the games you played with him to occupy some time)! How inventive we can be at just the right time. In trying situations, I have always been able to soothe our son by singing his favorite Veggie Tales songs quietly in his ear...and it works every time. He is 15 now (with autism) and I still sing to him (quietly) when waiting rooms, airports, or just waiting in line at the grocery store...and I sometimes get funny stares from people because face it...he's 15...but I am used to the staring after all these years with a special needs child. Anyhow, it works, he loves it and that is all that matters. Love your idea about 'taking back April' and I think it is so necessary. Sending love to your family.

  6. Kate, I know you get a lot of advice. So forgive me. But something about your tone here raised the red flag in my heart. If you were going to slam into the postpartum anxiety wall, the time period is coming upon you: three to four months postpartum. And since you are nursing, which causes a hormone bump around this time when the baby settles into a more normal routine, and you have the sweet memories of Gavin in your heart, and I seem to remember a bit of anxiety--totally understandable!--during your pregnancy, please just keep an eye on yourself too. I have been nothing but amazed at your resilience and soft, soft love. You are amazing!

    And Miss Hope is a LOOKER. So sweet!


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