Thursday, January 2, 2014

In The Moonlight...

I feel his presence the most in the dark of night.  As I sit in bed and stare at her beautiful face, illuminated by the moon streaming in through my window - it's as if I'm looking at him once again.
In those moments, it's just the three of us.  I know he's there.  In every whispered promise to her... in every pat or stroke of the hair... in every hush.

I spend these precious, sleepless moments quietly telling her who I am - who he was - and promising her I will love who she will become.  I tell her how happy we are that she's here.  How she was a wonderful heavenly surprise.

As the hours tick by and the rest of the house is asleep, I beg the sun to delay rising.  Because it's in the dark when I feel him the most.  And I know when the sun rises... and the day begins... he will go.

So I use this time to feel connected to my daughter and my son.  I whisper stories about him... tell her how much he loves her... and I softly sing the lullabies that I once sung to him in the moonlight.

 I would lay with Gavin and sing one song in particular over and over... as if it was "our song."  The words had meaning then... and still do.  A radio station in Gavin's hospital room happened to play this song while he lay dying - like a gift to me from above.
So now, I whisper the song softly to Hope in the dark of night until I hear her breathing slow and her body relax.  Somehow, the words mean even more.

But everything means more in the moonlight.  So I once again beg the sun to wait a while.  Just a little while more.  And as I wipe my tear from my little girl's cheek, I thank God for the promise of hope.

never thought that in a million years
never thought that you would come to me 
you're the answers to a million prayers.
you're the apple of my eye.

i can hear you breathing next to me.
just how lucky can one person be?
i am looking at a mystery
everything i dream, more than i can wish for. 

starlight starbright, all day all night
i will be right next to you.
here forever, i will never leave, i will never leave.

baby you're my little ray of light
i could find you in the darkest nights
if you cry then i will hold you tight
never letting go, i would do that for you. 

starlight starbright, all day all night
i will be right next to you.
here forever, i will never leave, i will never leave.

baby i am here
baby i am here

starlight starbright, all day all night
i will be right next to you.
here forever, i will never leave, i will never leave.



6 comments:

  1. Kate, it's funny, I thought this post would be about Gavin. His absence seems harder despite the glory and gift of Hope. I pray to God every night that He will watch over Gavin as he runs and plays and laughs. I am so sorry for your loss. Your boy continues to change the world. I know you would rather he just be changing your lives. I promise to never stop appreciating him. Love to you. You are okay. Jenny

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  2. Just been following your blog a few days but love it...havent had dry eye yet. I too was a flight attendant and met my husband flying, and I also had a miscarriage. Although nothing like the sorrow you have experienced it feels nice to know you arent alone in it. Praying for you family and wanted you to know i will snuggle and love my four boys harder because of you...my youngest is only two months old and I love those moonlight cuddles. Thank you.

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  3. Love that song... I received the Nicolette Larson lullaby cd as a shower gift and listened to it every night as I rocked each of my daughters to sleep. They are 7 and 4 now, but that music will always remind me of that special time, when they were so little!

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  4. This post is SO PERFECT! Absolutely beautiful! And Baby Hope is just way too cute!

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  5. You have known sorrow, but you have been given joy in the form of Hope. You are richly blessed.

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