Sunday, November 17, 2013

My Body Is Not My Own - And I Love It...

Yesterday I officially turned 34 weeks.  I also grew - a lot! Suddenly my belly is face seems chest, unbelievably and inconceivably, is legs and calves and - ankles? - and feet are all swollen and unrecognizable.

None of this is shocking.  These things happen every day to pregnant women everywhere.

But it is me.  Not because I care that I'm growing - everywhere. But because I don't.

I spent many years abusing my body with an eating disorder that nearly killed me.  It wasn't always for vanity - it usually isn't.  It was a great distraction - a way of taking control of the parts of my life I had no control over.  But when you have an eating disorder for some time, you begin to believe that your self worth is tied up in what size you are or how your body looks in the mirror.  It takes a long time to "de-program" yourself to think otherwise.

Somehow - someway - I came out on the other side.  And when I find myself looking in the mirror at my ever growing pregnant body and feeling nothing but extreme gratitude...or when I look at every curve and every mark and see a miracle instead of a monster...I shock myself.  My body is not my own right now...and I LOVE it.

Who is this person? Why is she suddenly so accepting of herself??

Although my transformation happened before I gave birth to Gavin - I know that Motherhood has changed me profoundly. And Gavin's death has given me an even greater perspective. Nothing - at all - is so bad that hurting myself in any way would make it better.  Nothing. 

Everyone's body is such a beautiful tool - and it should be cherished and cared for as such.  Man or woman - your body is capable of loving another person, creating another person, carrying another person inside of you as he or she grows and then is birthed, educating another person (in a myriad of ways) and so much more.  The sheer privilege of carrying a child in my womb is overwhelming to me.  Sure, I have the difficulties and discomforts of pregnancy - but when you have an awareness that you're part of a miracle...and you have walked through events that are much, much bigger than's near impossible to complain.  (Unless it's about gigantic boobs.  I WILL complain if they don't go away.  Don't judge.)

I am closer every day to meeting our daughter.  I hope, as she and her brother grow up together, that we foster in them a healthy body image by our example.  And I hope and pray that they will love themselves and realize the power they have to affect others with their lives.

That's what's on my mind tonight.  Well - that and a chocolate mousse trifle that is calling my name from the kitchen.  

I'll post a belly shot this week!  And some other photos of our nearly done nursery (Ed and I were in serious nesting mode this weekend!) and a few other fun things.


  1. You should check out "the 4th trimester bodies" project.
    See if she's coming to your area!

  2. 34 weeks! Yayy!!!!!! I am so so so thrilled for you! I can't believe it is 34 weeks already...this post is wonderful, truly wonderful. I can't wait to hear about Hopes Arrival! hugs and prayers!!!

  3. This one really hit home! My 13 year old son has been in treatment for 4 weeks for an eating disorder and it has been a long hard road to get where we are to get the right care for him. Thank you for today's post! And Congrats on making it to 34 weeks!

  4. Just in case you didn't know, you are an amazing Mommy<3!!!!

  5. Wow I love this quote "Nothing - at all - is so bad that hurting myself in any way would make it better." I'll have to write this down so I can remember it during my moments of depression. Thanks for this.

  6. Make sure your blood pressure is ok, ok? Swollen ankles is common. Suddenly swollen legs and face, though, can be a sign of preeclampsia, which is more common in women with autoimmune disorders (though I'm sure they are keeping a close eye on your blood pressure).

  7. So happy for you all!

  8. Ugh, how I can relate. I felt my life was completely out of control but I COULD control how little I put in my mouth and, therefore, feel in control of something....ah, that made sense to me for a long time, too, years ago. It made for such a distortion of how I looked at, and felt about, my body. (I could have been IN control of positive things - like taking off eye makeup at night in my 20's, or drinking enough water, but where's the 'sacrifice' in that, right? ;) You're doing fabulous. jennypage

  9. No judgment on hoping the big boobs go away!!! I'm guessing you're usually pretty "petite" as am I. I remember being a little sad about discontinuing breastfeeding, but SO happy that they were going to go back to their regularly scheduled programming! =)


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