I'm feeling a little... blah.
I know I need to give myself a break. Tomorrow will be seven months since Gavin died. I'm also growing a baby that gets larger and larger and closer to being born every day. I have an active four year old that is also grieving and I'm trying to give him as much quality time as I can with my ever dropping energy levels. And physically it's getting tougher. I have severe reflux that makes me sick (literally sick) and forces me to sleep sitting up now. And I'm still struggling with sinus headaches and congestion - which hasn't changed since the second month.
But mostly, I'm starting to feel emotional as I get closer to delivering Hope.
Although I can't predict how things will go... and know that it will probably go just fine... I still have fears. I worry that this pregnancy has held me together like glue... and once she's born the dam will break and I'll fall apart. I worry about post partum depression, which I did have after Brian's birth (and likely had after Gavin's birth but was so busy with his care I didn't notice). I have Ed on high alert for any signs or symptoms after Hope arrives...and I will be keeping myself in check, too. I worry about getting back in the groove of caring for an infant. I'm sure it will all come back to me - but I'm worried. And I'm worried that something, somehow will go wrong. Basically - I'm having a temporary (hopefully) freak out. I'm sure I'll settle down soon.
It doesn't help that I had another Labor and Delivery trip which was quite scary. Monday morning I woke up swollen. My feet, my calves, my hands, my face...totally swollen. I spent the morning with my feet up, drinking a ton of water, while Brian was in school. But I started to feel worse - nauseous with an increasing headache. I got Brian from school...called Ed home from work...we took Brian to the neighbors for a playdate...and rushed to the hospital. They checked me (again) for preeclampsia and monitored my blood pressure (which was high) and I sat in the bed holding back tears until they gave me the "all clear." My OB increased my blood pressure medicine and sent us home. It was a good lesson for me, though. We left the house in a hurry and didn't think that this could possibly be the day. My camera, the cord blood kit... we left all of it at home. From now on, my packed bag will be ready to grab. She really could come at any time at this point. I will be 34 weeks on Saturday.
But there's good news.
I found an angel for our Christmas tree!! Thank you to everyone who sent me photos of beautiful angels...and suggestions to find someone to make one for us. I ended up choosing an artist to create one. We're still in the planning stage, but I know it's going to be perfect. And dramatic enough for our tree...
It's like this woman is inside my head - she completely understood my vision and I know we're going to love and treasure this angel for years. I'll reveal it here when it arrives!
And there's more good news!
Brian is doing great. He loves school (and we love his school!) and is learning so much! Every day he comes home and tells me something new that he learned - or pulls something out of his backpack that he created. It's such a treat to see him so happy - and to see him making friends.
And that's not all! There's even more good news!
Brian had his dental check up and was a total rock star.
He didn't flinch as the doctor poked around... and then as the hygienist cleaned his teeth. He had a perfect check up.
He came home with a huge bag filled with cheap toys. Er, I mean treasures. It's funny how the cheapie things are the coolest things EVER at this age. We'll enjoy this stage while it lasts!