If you are on my Facebook Page, you already know by now that I was in the hospital yesterday. I was having some symptoms that made me nervous and my Obstetrician had me go get checked out in Labor and Delivery. Ed was at work and Brian was due to be picked up at school. Lucky for me, Miss Sara was around and she came over immediately while I went to pick up Brian. I dropped him off at home for a fun afternoon with Sara while I headed to the hospital.
I chose to go alone and assumed it would all work out. And anyway, we had had plans to attend a huge "family outing" with Ed's company that afternoon - and it included bringing donated items for kids that I had all ready to go. I wanted Ed to still go with Brian so at least some of us were having fun!
Halfway to the hospital (which is about 30 minutes away) - I started to worry that it wasn't a good idea. But I brushed it off. I parked the car and headed up the elevator and as I rounded the corner - I suddenly felt a wave of dread wash over me.
The last time I was in this hallway... on this floor... was the five days I spent here delivering Darcy Claire. It was then that I got scared. This couldn't happen to me again. God wouldn't let this happen to me again, would He?
I had been feeling Hope move the entire time, so I wasn't worried that anything had happened to her. I'm so grateful that she moves so much - and so dramatically! You can see my belly rock and rise and wave.
The nurse set me up on the monitor to see what Hope was up to... and put me on continuous blood pressure monitoring. Then they attempted to take blood. Oh boy. I'm a tough stick on a good day (and so was Gavin. Unfortunately he must have inherited that from me, poor kid) but today was ridiculous. It took them six tries before they were able to get it - it wasn't pretty.
They had concerns that I might be showing signs of Preeclampsia. I have never had Preeclampsia, but both Gavin AND Brian were delivered early and rather urgently because I was showing signs of it. The night Gavin was born my blood pressures were "near stroke level" I was told. And with Brian, who was born full term - but earlier than my scheduled date, I went into the hospital to be checked because my home blood pressures were high and I was having headaches. I had even (reluctantly) been on blood pressure medication during his pregnancy as a precaution. After keeping me for hours, the doctor determined it would be safest for me to remain in the hospital on bedrest for the next two weeks until Brian was born. I was crushed - how could I leave Gavin for that long? Brian must have heard me because my blood pressures rose dangerously high and he was born that night.
All of these memories were swirling around in my head as I laid in the bed waiting... and waiting... and waiting for the verdict. I am not going to lie - I was so, so scared. I actually started preparing myself for not only how I would handle a possible crisis - but how I would explain it all to Brian. The last person I wanted to suffer another loss was him.
I also started giving Hope a pep talk. How she had to stay put - had to keep making us laugh with her "belly dancing."
I told her that she had a closet FILLED with clothes just waiting for her to put on daily fashion shows for thousands of people who can't wait to "meet' her.
And that she had a Godmother, Miss Sara, who provided probably HALF of those very outfits. (She has excellent taste, by the way)
I told her that she had a brother - the one who's voice she hears every day - that can't wait to help take care of her and teach her how to play Angry Bird Star Wars. And then, worrying that might not be the best argument - I told her that she has a Granny that gives the greatest snuggles and tickly back rubs. And a Daddy that she will easily wrap around her finger.
I told her that she has incredible guardian angels that will help her stay put until Christmas... and will be with her every day of her life. And that her sister, Darcy's, Madeline doll... her brother, Gavin's, favorite giraffe baby rattle - and blanket "guys" that both of her brothers loved are waiting for her to love.
When I saw my OB walk into the room... and when he told me I would be going home... I wanted to burst into tears. I was so grateful after a very long afternoon of worry and fear.
He told me that my blood pressures were up and down during my stay. I don't want to jump into taking blood pressure medication - so I will be closely monitoring my pressure at home for a week before we make the decision. Obviously, I will do anything to keep me and Hope safe. He also said he saw contractions on the monitor (which I had been feeling) - but it was nothing to worry about right now. The tough part for me during pregnancies is that I have an "irritable uterus" which makes me feel like I'm having contractions... which often leads me to worry that I won't know when it's "real." So the next 2 1/2 to 3 months could be rough for me.
I have officially hit the third trimester as of today - which is just unbelievable. On Tuesday, I'll get another glimpse of our daughter on ultrasound. Hopefully I'll come home with great pictures - even 3D - that I can share. I still can't believe I'm even pregnant sometimes. But my belly at this point is HUGE and it's getting harder and harder to get up and down with Brian - go up the stairs - and, well, even walk at times. Each event is like a marathon for me! I'm very tired. But make no mistake - I am so, very grateful. I love being pregnant and in many ways I wish it had all gone slower. Especially because with each pregnancy milestone I reach, I am further away from the day Gavin died. As of today, it's five months and twenty two days since my birthday... saying goodbye to Gavin... and realizing we were pregnant - all in the same day.
But I'm still believing in Hope.
No matter what.
I can't... I won't... I will never lose hope.
Thank you to all who "sat" with me virtually while I was in the hospital yesterday. Even though I chose to go there alone... I never really was.