Saturday, September 21, 2013

She Would Have Been Three...

September 21st.  The day that my due date was calculated when I was pregnant with Darcy.  We know she probably wouldn't have been born on that date - given my history of early deliveries and scheduling a C-Section.  But still, it's all we have to go on.  So, September 21st is the day we celebrate the age she would have been.  And today... she would have been three.

We named her early, as we do all our babies.  And as soon as we found out she was a girl we announced it to the world.  I wanted to wait to put it in my CaringBridge journal until St. Patrick's Day.  Ed and I met on St. Patrick's Day in 2002!  We let the boys make the big announcement in this little video:

Then, on a May afternoon, I found out that Darcy was gone.  A freak cord accident that couldn't have been prevented.  I was admitted to the hospital and labor was induced... but my body wouldn't dilate.  Not on the first day... or the second... or even the third.  On the fifth day, with Ed sitting bedside the entire time, I finally dilated.  And hours before Mother's day, I delivered and we held our sweet daughter.

I'm not sure which was more true - I didn't want to let her go or she didn't feel ready to leave.  What I do know for sure is that it was one of the absolute hardest days of my life.
I have lost a lot of pregnancies.  And I mourn each and every child that we never met.  But when you are far along enough to have a nursery prepared... clothes in the closet... dreams and plans... it makes it all that more painful.  Celebrating Darcy on what might have been her birthday... and on May 10th, the day we met her... is also our way of celebrating all of our children.  We love each and every soul that we've been blessed to carry... or raise... fiercely.  
Today we had plans to do some fun things to celebrate, but Brian woke up sick and telling us his ear hurt.  Our wonderful pediatrician, Dr. Kienzle, met us at his office to take a look.  I was sure he had an ear infection - but I was wrong.  Just a cold.  We stopped on the way home and bought a little cake - vanilla with vanilla icing at Brian's request - and balloons - and spent the rest of the day at home.

Brian sang Happy Birthday to his sister and blew out the candle...
And we talked about what she might be doing with Gavin on this special day in Heaven.
I will always include Darcy in our family story.  I often wonder what she would have been like.  Would she be as mild mannered and sweet as her brothers?  Or would she have a completely different personality.  And now I wonder if Hope will be gifted with part of Darcy's spirit somehow.  Perhaps in getting to know Hope, I will unknowingly see glimpses of her sister.  I catch myself calling Hope "Darcy" at least once a day... and it makes me smile.  She is, and always will be, ingrained in my heart.  And, lucky for Hope, I saved a few things that were meant for her sister - like this doll.
It is sitting in Hope's nursery just waiting for her.

I love you, sweet Darcy Claire.  Happy third birthday.


  1. (((Hugs))) I have to confess that as much as I love reading about Gavin, it really touches me when you talk about Darcy. It's one part of your journey that I feel like I can relate to, because we lost our son Kyle at 27 weeks. One minute we were looking at an ultrasound that I thought showed a healthy baby and an hour later our whole world flipped upside down when we found out how sick he was. He would have been 8 this year, I was due on September 13th. I always mark his actual birthday (he lived for about 20 minutes after he was born), but I've never been able to celebrate and include him like you have Darcy. My kids know all about their brother and they talk about him often, but I always found celebrations or marking of important dates too painful. Darcy is lucky to have such an amazing Mom :)

  2. Shares my daughters bday! Hugs to you today!

  3. It is never easy loosing a baby before they even had a chance. We lost a baby boy at 21 weeks, cord accident. Even though his delivery was quicker than my eldest and youngest, his seemed to be the longest to me. I can remember being pregnant with my middle son, and even my baby, and thinking about our little angel, if they would have any characteristics like him. I believe they do, since they are so similar in looks, and mannerisms.

  4. So heartbreaking what you have gone through, I wish you the best with baby Hope. You have been through so much and you, Ed and Brian deserve a world of happiness. You have lots of little angels to watch over you

  5. You have been through so much Kate! Do you believe that the other children you lost are playing with Darcy and Gavin, too? I believe that and when you get to Heaven you will get to see the ALL! I truly believe that!

    I have never lost a child(ren) like you have but I find you amazing and I am glad that I have the privilege of reading your blog.

    You and Ed are amazing parents! Something I will never be able to live up to.

  6. Kate....
    I am a single woman, who has never been pregnant, much less lost two children. I cannot imagine the sad, sad feelings you must go through year after year after year. You are one strong person, and an inspiration to many.

  7. I read your posts and although I have never been through the kind of losses that you have I am always moved by your story. Today, your post really touched me and made me see things like I have never before. My mother had a daughter who passed away a few days after birth. I was born a few years later. We never talked about her or celebrated her birthday. I remember a few times in my life my mother saying that she was my guardian angel or that maybe her spirit was living in me. As a young girl I once proclaimed that I wanted to change my name....and it was the name of my sister although I didn't even know that at the time!! I had a psychic once tell me that I have a very special spirit with me at all times protecting me and how lucky I am to have it. Reading your story today made me really think about this special angel and although I never knew her, I decided to celebrate her today :)

  8. Happy belated birthday, Darcy!

    So happy you all are able to celebrate her life...

    Yours in healing...

  9. I am sorry I missed Darcy Claire's birthday yesterday.i always read your post but have only left a message here 2 times before.i lost my only child Amanda Faith Wooten at birth 30 yrs ago 8/2/1983 and I honor her every year with a party at her matter how much time comes & goes I will always want her with me,i will always wonder who she would look like,would she be married & have children now,what career path would she have chosen.this is all natural things.i wish no one had to endure this pain.Baby Darcy and big brother Gavin is watching over email is if you ever want to talk.Drema Pearson

  10. Thank you for sharing your life. So much of it mirrors my own. You have a beautiful and eloquent way of writing about all things, good and bad. I blogged about my son Ian and hearing Darcy's story brings it right back. Thinking of you :-)


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