You've been warned. Mama's about to blow...
This truly has been one of my worst weeks. I am so, so miserable. I miss Gavin. I am tired. The "I am growing a baby inside of me" kind of tired.
Brian has had gymnastics camp all week - every afternoon from 1-4. I had a long list of things I planned to accomplish with that free time. Spending two of those days on the couch in tears was not on my list.
Today was Brian's last day. Miss Sara came with me to drop him off - and then we were invited back an hour before it ended so we could see all the things the kids have been learning and doing all week. I was really looking forward to this as Brian offered up little to no details about what went on each day. Only that he was having a lot of fun. Each day he was excited to go back.
As soon as we walked in at 3:00, Brian looked over and spotted us. He started to cry. And cry. His face covered by his hands so he didn't see the 20 girls (he was one of only two boys) staring at him. Finally he walked over to me - a sobbing mess.
"I don't want to do it. I want to go home. I don't want to show you anything. It's too scary."
Instructors tried to encourage him to return to the group - and he wasn't having any of it. So we left. And he cried all the way home. This was not a great end to my already miserable week.
I pulled my unused camera out of my purse and when Brian calmed down we sat down for a talk.
He kept repeating that he was scared. I kept asking him why he didn't tell me each day that he was scared of something. I couldn't tell in the moment if I was being manipulated... or if this was real. This class was the first time, besides sending him to school, that I've ever dropped him off somewhere and had to leave. I wasn't keen on it - but I left anyway.
Now I'm beating myself up. I really have no idea what went on each day - except for little tiny bits that he'd give up to me, usually at bedtime. The instructors said he had fun. I asked if he cried every day and one instructor told me, "He seemed to get frustrated when he'd lose, but would bounce right back."
And that's another thing. I noticed that Brian seemed intimidated by the other kids' skills. They ran faster than him - they knew how to do jumping jacks - and he noticed.
I tried to listen this afternoon and remove my feelings (which admittedly came with the baggage of this miserable week) as Brian explained why he didn't want to stay. But now I worry that I pushed him into this too soon. I have him signed up for T-Ball in the Fall and this has me second guessing that decision.
But I'm also miserable - in case I didn't mention that - so I won't make any decisions in this frame of mind.
It probably doesn't help that the BlogHer conference is happening right now in Chicago. And tonight I would have been honored as one of their "Voices of the Year." I chose not to go for a couple reasons - but in this moment, being anywhere but here sounds good to me. And to feel appreciated would be an added bonus. (Not a fish for compliments, so please don't go there.) I would have loved to have met fellow bloggers that I admire - and I even would have had the chance to meet Queen Latifah who is the keynote speaker for Voice of the Year tonight.
I am hoping that being by the ocean tomorrow will bring me some comfort - and not drown me in painful memories.
This truly has been the worst week. I need a vacation - from me.