Sunday, July 7, 2013

We Always Had Hope...

I wrote this entry on July 7, 2011.  Since then, I've re-posted it and shared it a few times for different reasons along our journey.  It's never felt more appropriate to post it than now.  Here's proof that we've always had hope...

This morning, standing at our sinks in the bathroom, Ed and I realized what day it was. July 7th. He reminded me that our friends were married on 7/7/07 four years ago. Which then reminded us both that I went to their wedding pregnant with Gavin.

This is me on their wedding day just before we left the house...
I was so big and so happy and so hopeful.

That day seems like yesterday to me. I remember going to Nordstrom that morning and pretending that I was interested in buying makeup so I could get someone to make me up for the wedding. (I'm rather clueless in that department!) I remember dancing with Ed and telling him that we wouldn't have that many more "night's out" before Gavin arrived.

Truer words had never been spoken. We could never have known what was ahead for us and our family.

It seems like yesterday that THIS photo was taken.
We spent every day in the NICU from the minute they opened the doors to the evening when we would be told to go home. I was so hopeful. I just knew he'd be fine and every day I thought he would be discharged. I could not have known that this was just the beginning of a long, difficult journey.

It seems like yesterday that this was in my routine. Holding a teeny tiny baby boy named Brian who breastfed perfectly and was easy to soothe.
Brian's arrival was filled with hope. We were so happy to have a little brother for Gavin. Although it was hard to juggle an infant and a medically fragile one year old, I just knew we were on the right path. I knew that things would be okay. I was sure that Gavin would benefit from having a sibling to grow up with.

It seems like yesterday I was pregnant with Darcy.
I thought I had won the lottery. Two sons and now a daughter. After losing so many pregnancies, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I passed that first trimester with little to no issues. I had such hope - I started envisioning hair bows and dresses... girl talk and getting manicures together. I even started hating her future husband...just as I hate Gavin and Brian's future wives. (Just kidding. Sort of.) And then, I lost her.

It seems like yesterday that I was pregnant again and so hopeful.
I thought this baby was surely sent from Heaven and Darcy had something to do with it. Hope can make you think up some pretty interesting scenarios. Just as soon as we found out he was a third son...he was gone.

Since then, we have tried. And tried. And tried. Those who have gone through a struggle to conceive know that it is emotionally trying. Those who haven't will just have to believe me. Through the last four years I have had one common theme. I have refused to stop hoping. And my hoping is more like believing. I believe that Gavin will be okay. I believe that Brian will talk soon. I believe that our daughter's life was meant to teach us something. And I believe that a third child is meant to be in this family. I know it like I know my name.

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

~Author Unknown


  1. I look forward to your blog each evening. One of these days I will email you, but the words have yet to come to me to tell you about my own journey. Until then... I offer just a ((hug)).

  2. Thank you for sharing this again. *hug*

  3. I don't even know you...but your words are such an inspiration...thank you for your honesty

  4. It couldn't be more perfect...

  5. Hope” is the thing with feathers -
    That perches in the soul -
    And sings the tune without the words -
    And never stops - at all
    ~Emily Dickinson

  6. Your ability to write through all the challenges that life has thrown at you is inspirational. I found your blog through my niece who lost both her twins born too soon. Andy lived just 3 days and Sammie 3 weeks, it has been 10 months and it seems like yesterday. She too has struggled with infertility and my heart aches for her. I know she finds your posts inspirational. Blessing on you, Ed, Brian and the little one you're expecting. Praying for a safe pregnancy and delivery. Nancy

  7. Beautiful to read, in awe of you and your strength and beautiful family who have been through so much. Truly and always hopeful.

  8. That is one of my all-time favorite quotes. I have shared it so many times, Kate. Hope is such a powerful gift, isn't She?

    In every sense... Sitting beside you and Ed and Brian and Hope, a neighbor from far away, yet one whose heart is closer than you may ever know...

    Hugs and healing...

  9. Thank you for sharing so generously, is a blessing to read your posts.

  10. Keep hoping Kate the fact that you can hope after suffering so many loses inspires me to hope.


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