Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Trying to Remember...

Dear Gavin,

I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you.  Desperately.  The end.

Okay, that's not really the end - but it sums up how I've been feeling.

Life is obviously not the same at all with you gone.  But I'm trying hard, Bugaboo.  I'm trying to remember how to live - even when it seems unreasonable to move on without you.

Every day I wake up and remind myself, literally, that Brian needs me... and that I don't have any right, regardless of how I'm feeling, to let anything get in the way of being his Mommy.  That can't change - even though life changed.  I know you would want me to be the same Mommy I was before... and I'm trying hard to do that.  For Brian... AND for Hope.

Brian has been busy this week!  He has school (his last week in this school with Miss Laura!) in the morning and then a mini-gymnastics camp all afternoon.  He was so excited the first day.  I wasn't! The camp is from 1-4, which is a long time!  And parents aren't allowed to stay.  What's up with that?

But as I prepared to leave on that first day, Brian turned and gave me the "thumbs up" sign.  He's always making me laugh - just like he made you laugh.  I'm trying to remember to keep laughing... even when laughing seems unreasonable.
I have no idea what he does there.  Can't get much out of him except "I had fun!"  But each day he proclaims, "Mama - I'm so excited to go back to gymnastics again!"
Gavin, I know he's missing you too.  This was what he said to me the other night when I laid with him at bedtime:

"Mama?  I can't wait until Christmas.  I hope Santa brings me LOTS of toys!!  He won't bring toys for Gavin, though, because he died.  It's not fair that he died, Mama.  I loved him.  He was my friend.  Maybe Santa will bring toys to Gavin up in Heaven.

Mama?  I think Hope's gonna be cool."

I'm trying to remember how to dance through life, Gavin.  But that part has been a challenge.  There hasn't been a "nightly dance party" in the kitchen since you died.  Not one.  Every time I think about dancing, I remember this...

One day - I can't promise when - my goal is to get back to this...

I'm trying to remember how to put one foot in front of the other.  I'm trying to remember how to live in this house without you.  I'm trying to remember a lot...

...but I'll never forget every detail of you.

Love, Mommy.

"Held"
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held.


13 comments:

  1. Oh, Kate! My heart hurts for you. I'm all teary at tonights blog. You are doing the best you can for you. I think Brian understands that in his own 4 year old way. Love and light~Mary in SC

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  2. Absolutely magnificent watching you dance with your children. Such a beautiful thing and I'm so thankful you have those videos. Wow! Might we all learn something from you and your parenting. Truly!

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  3. I think of you and Gavin and your whole family every day. I miss Gavin and I never even met him! I wish you peace and love and that someday it won't hurt so bad every single day. I wish I had some magical words of wisdom, but I have none. Sending you hugs and I hope it helps in some small way :)

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  4. I love your happy happy dance video!! It shows the fun and love you had in your household. Hugs my friend. The fun is there. It's just being patient - waiting until you are ready.

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  5. I love the videos! I was already in love with the first one, and now the other one of the dance party is simply awesome! Thank you for sharing them with us :)

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  6. How is Gavin's memorial garden coming up in your back yard...over there butterflies will dance around the beautiful flowers you are growing there. Praying for you and your family.

    -Sonney
    P.s. hugs from Switzerland

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  7. When God made mothers he intended for them to be just like you filled with so much joy and love for your children. Someday you'll dance again but today is not that day and that's okay.

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  8. I love that song that you quoted. It pretty much sums things up.

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  9. I pray for the day when you dance again. Cindy

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  10. Slowly, slowly, slowly the inside will begin to feel like the outside looks. You are so brave and strong to continue moving forward. You are a good mom and so much love is evident in your writing.

    My heart aches for your journey. Slowly, slowly, slowly...where you are today is where you are meant to be. You can do this. Not because you're amazing (which I believe you are), not because it's what you have to do, but because you are a mom and you have strength in you, as yet undiscovered. You have the strength of family. The strength of sharing. The strength of Gavin in your soul.

    Keep up the good, forgive the moments you wish were different, and be good to yourself!

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  11. I just wish to reach across the miles and hug you. I don't have the words or answers and even if I had my own version of your story it would be my version not yours with its own and uniquely different answers. I pray you have moments of peace, glimpses of promises the future holds, and patience as you navigate your way. Thank you for sharing yourself and your family.

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  12. Similarly when Violet died, I had to continue on first for E and later for my rainbow baby D. They keep me going every single day, but it's bittersweet. Even moment with them is tainted with the loss of their sister.

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  13. :'( In tears. I pray you learn how to dance again.

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