Today was definitely one of the more emotional days on my journey since losing Gavin. I suppose the title I chose for this entry could be a bit misleading. If you are looking for a "how to" or "tips on how to prepare yourself to look at your child's autopsy report" - I got nothing.
I feel so grateful (yes, I really do. Still.) to have so many medical professionals that feel like "friends" at DuPont. I wanted to see the autopsy report - but I really wanted someone to go over it with me and, hopefully, answer some questions. Like my number one question:
HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN???????
Dr. Gripp, Gavin's geneticist since he was an infant, met with me today in the hospital. And what happened next I truly wasn't prepared for.
A tsunami of tears. And they haven't stopped all day.
Every question I have doesn't have an answer. Why did a febrile seizure cause him to go into cardiac arrest? If he didn't have a seizure disorder, what could have caused that? If all the tests for viruses, meningitis, infections came back negative - then what caused this? Why, why, why???
Reading the details of the autopsy was devastating. Dr. Gripp wondered why I wanted to see it - and said I was brave to even read it. But, you know what? Gavin and I have been through it all together - the good, the bad and the ugly - every single step of the way. From the moment he was conceived. I feel like I owed it to him to continue to know... to continue to see... to continue to ask questions and search for answers. Why stop now? It's not like I stopped being his Mom the moment he took his last breath. I just felt I owed it to him.
But I came home without the answers I was hoping for.
Part of me knew I wouldn't learn anything. They had told me the autopsy was "inconclusive." And most of me can comfort myself with my own romantic, positive, metaphysical thinking. But sometimes it's nice to have plain and simple facts. Sometimes it's wonderful when 1 + 1 = 2.
But that was never Gavin.
He was a mystery his entire life to everyone but God. It is not a surprise that his death was a mystery, too. I consider all of this more proof for my theory. Gavin was a very special soul who came to Earth to teach and inspire... and then slip quietly back to Heaven until someone else needs his beautiful, wise old soul.
Like I said, my thinking comforts me.
But if you're wondering... I would still love to know why.
A very, very hard day, indeed.