Thursday, July 18, 2013

Home Sweet Hope...

Okay... I'm here to tell you the truth.  The last day of our trip I was filled with anxiety to the point that it was hard for me to enjoy myself.  On Tuesday I had myself wondering if I had felt Hope move... and from that point on, I was feeling quite frantic (inside and to myself) trying to entice her to wiggle around for me.  I kept ordering frozen fruit punches and drinking ice water and poking my belly here and there.  At one point I thought I felt a flutter - but my anxiety never left.  I really couldn't wait to get home the next day.  As soon as we got home, said hello and thank you and goodbye to Miss Sara and snuck in to see a sleeping Brian... I went into my bedroom and pulled out my fetal doppler.  Before the trip, I hadn't been successful finding her heartbeat - it could be that it's just too early or she's far in there! But now I really needed to hear her - and I couldn't find the heartbeat.  A week earlier I would have felt better about it - but at this point, I had myself a little worked up (internally).

I suppose I can't blame myself for "crop-ups" of anxiety like this.  When I was pregnant with Darcy, I was always worried about feeling movement.  And I remember the day that I decided to let go of my worries and just enjoy my pregnancy.  A week later, she was dead.  A freak cord accident.

Today I had an OB appointment that was scheduled and I had been planning to bring Brian (for no other reason than a lack of babysitter).  But because of my anxiety - I was reconsidering!!  I decided to bring him anyway and go in with a back up plan.  My OB, Dr. Langan (who delivered Gavin, Brian and Darcy), brought me in first and we did a quick check.  Heartbeat.  Thank God.  Then he went and got Brian and brought him in.  (He had been in the waiting room under the watchful eye of Dr. Langan's wife, Marianne, and his daughter, Cailin.  He lifted Brian up on the table next to me while Cailin took photos with my iPhone.

Brian was mesmerized...

I took a video that is much longer than this one, but for some reason the last two minutes were cut off! Dr. Langan went out of his way to go into detail about every bit of her anatomy and also did a great job explaining things to Brian in four year old terms.  (In the beginning of the video he's talking about something and someone else so ignore that part!)

Enjoy your glimpse of Hope!

He also REALLY hooked me up with photos!  You think??
A good shot of her two little feet together...
...and a good spot for the photo on the fridge under the watchful eye of her big brother, Gavin.
After the appointment, I suggested we stop in the hospital cafe for a snack "to celebrate," I said.  Brian was definitely in agreement - especially when he saw a donut in the case!
But he also had his own idea of celebrating and suggested that we go to Toys R Us "right away."  "I want to pick out a toy for my sister to celebrate, Mama."  I figured I knew what he was really up to... and I was right.  After choosing an adorable pink poodle that can clip onto things and jiggle and shake he proclaimed that it was now "his turn" to pick out a toy.  For himself.  Star Wars, of course.  And this Mama was happy to oblige.
Brian loves sneaking into Hope's growing closet to play with her toys.
So... while we're "celebrating" being home and having Hope... I thought I would give you all a little treat.  Ed and I move fast and we have Hope's nursery halfway done!!  We obviously still need a lot - including artwork - but I love this room already.  (Try not to notice that nothing is ironed yet!)  In the video you'll notice a Madeline doll on the dresser.  That was something I lovingly bought for Darcy and I'm so glad I saved it.  And the butterflies over the mirror are from Gavin's funeral.  In the crib is a little brown giraffe which was one of the first things I bought for Gavin when I was pregnant with him - and it was one of my favorite little rattles of his.  And I love that we moved the chair we bought when I was pregnant with Gavin into Hope's room.  I rocked him many, many nights in that big chair.  And I know I'll feel him as I rock his baby sister.  I sit in this room at least once a day and talk to Gavin and Hope.  I hope you like it...

Ed and I miss Gavin desperately and we're trying to simultaneously grieve, comfort each other, parent Brian and expect a new baby all at once.  It is not easy.  But we are both really embracing this miracle from Heaven - and are so, so excited to meet Hope Margaret this Christmas.


19 comments:

  1. Love reading about your journey! Thinking of you all in the good times and tough!

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  2. She is excited to meet her amazing family too !!

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  3. Oh, Kate, her room looks so peaceful. I am so happy for you and your precious family.
    -Brigid

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  4. Welcome home!! I'm glad all but the last day was relaxing at The Sandals Resort. Hope is growing fast and you are making steady progress on her nursery. My favorite thing so far are the pretty polka dotted curtains!! You have a beautiful view out that window and I expect there will be many wonderful hours spent there rocking the baby. This is the first mention I've noticed of a middle name of Margaret. I 100% approve! You have so many nicknames that can come from that. I immediately thought of Meg. Guess you'll have to see how her personality presents itself. For now, Hope is still her best name. I'm praying for your family on all fronts. May God's blessings.come to you all.

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  5. so happy for you all. Hope is such a blessing and her room is adorable. Brian will be such a great big brother! Gavin will always watch out for her..just like a big brother does. Thank you for sharing your journey.
    Michele in Syracuse

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  6. The pink poodle has been a favorite of my youngest three kids...best baby toy ever :) Love your journal. xo from Oklahoma

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  7. the pics of Brian staring so intently at the screen are priceless. He is going to be a wonderful big brother to Hope. so glad that you didn't have to wait long to put your worries aside for at least a little while. the nursery is beautiful. thank you for inviting us in for a peek.

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  8. Oh I love your middle name. Margaret is lovely - old fashioned without being stodgy. And I'm so SO glad everything was OK and the doctor could give you GOOD news.

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  9. This brought a tear of joy. I taught at a school out west called "Hope" and I've always loved that name. :) LOVE all the u/s pictures that they gave you! :)

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  10. I have a visual of you rocking Hope, all dressed in pink, sleeping in your arms as you are watching the gentle snow fall this winter

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  11. This is BEAUTIFUL! I look forward to the day I can take my daughter to see an US of her future sibling. It is such an amazing moment. I also LOVE her nursery. The bedding is just perfect!

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  12. Ohhh,I have been in your shoes with that anxiety with not feeling that movement. It has been 30 years since I have been there but I can still feel what you felt. And, no matter how you try and have that HOPE,that anxiety does not hesitate to creep up and overwhelm you. I do believe that I really didn't feel my kids until I was more 18-20 so she probably just snuggles up in you back in her little home. :)What a blessing to have such a wonderful doctor who understands what you are dealing with.

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  13. Welcome home!!
    I think of you guys every day and feel like I am living your anxiety alongside you! Being an NICU nurse doesn't help... Anyhow, I'm far from religious but am sending some seriously positive vibes for Miss Hope, Brian, Ed, and yourself :o)

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  14. Nursery is looking so nice. Love the bedding that you selected. It is both happy and peaceful.

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  15. So happy to hear that all is well with your little Hope! Also her bedroom is beautiful along with her name.

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  16. Kate, How precious was that picture of Brian sitting beside you looking at pictures of baby sister Hope? I think of you often and wondering how you guys are holding up. I'm sure your hearts must be pulled in a hundred different directions every day. I hope you can feel the love from every one on this blog and FB. So very many people care for you guys that have never met you, (me included!) and pray for you all every day. The nursery is precious. Isn't it fun getting it ready? Oh, I do have one question, what was that ironing thing you mentioned? Hmmm, I guess I need to google that! Lol Love and prayers from Arkansas!

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  17. Haven't posted in awhile but following you constantly, praying for you all and sending much much love. You made my day with your video of sweet Hope. The more I get to know you Kate the more I am in awe of you and just love you and that family of yours. Take care.

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  18. Wow I actually saw Hope's feet for real. Thank you for sharing such a personal journey with us.

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