Full Disclosure: It was pouring rain where I live today. All day.
In other news, I'm miserable... so you've been warned.
Have you written me an email - especially an email asking a question you're still waiting for an answer to? Have you cooked us a meal and are wondering if we are grateful or if we liked it? Have you sent us a gift and are waiting for us to acknowledge it? If your answer is yes to one - or maybe ALL - it is my fault. It has been 54 days... that's one month and twenty four days... since Gavin died. Seven weeks and five days. Or 1, 296 hours.
In a way, it seems like this happened just yesterday. But if that were true, then why do the last 1, 296 hours seem like they have lasted 1, 296 years? There are days when I wake up and say, "Today's the day - you're going to crank out thank you notes when Brian's in school." And then... I come home from dropping him off, stare at the pile... and freeze. There are other days when I wake up and say, "Today I'm going to return our neighbor's casserole dish." I'll let you guess how long it has sat in the same spot in my dining room - in a bag with a thank you note. I'm a mess.
I do have intentions of getting to everyone - and I'm embarrassed about how long it's taking me - but please hang on a little while longer. I'm feeling pulled in so many directions - it seems so many people want a piece of me right now and it's so distracting and confusing and leaves me feeling... well... frozen.
And, just so all of you know... I read every single comment. On my blog... on my facebook page... every email. I continue to be touched and moved that anyone would want to reach out to me (as a stranger) at all. I continue to be honored that you would trust me with your personal stories, tragedies and triumphs. And I continue to be moved by your encouraging words, prayers and love towards our little family. I wish I could respond to every single one of you - but if I did, I'd be in front of my computer all day and night... truly. So please know that I see you - and I'm grateful.
The Frazzled Lady.
I am trying really hard to be a great Mom to your little brother... to keep him entertained and play with him so I don't have to hear him say, "I'm lonely, Mama. I need you to play with me." It is so hard sometimes. Today I resorted to handing him an umbrella and letting him run around on the driveway in the rain.
I backed my car out of the garage so he could ride his bike in there.
And I sat... in my pajamas at 11am... and just watched. (p.s. - see that big antique mirror? It's very pretty. If you're local, it's also free if you want to come pick it up. I'll say 500 thank you's if you take it.)
I continued the water theme thinking of you all the while and let him take an extra long bath.
Just like you, he's getting daring and putting his mouth in the water to try to blow bubbles.
I close the clear curtain and seal off the sides so he can splash as much as he wants while I sit on the toilet lid and watch.
I'm trying, Gavin. In moments when all I want to do is curse the Heavens and cry all day - I remember that you would want me to think of your little brother. I miss you so much.
Seriously, you need to calm down. Yesterday you and I were on good terms. I didn't ask that much of you - playing with Brian outside for a while and doing a little bit of weeding here and there. Today you are really overreacting about that. I mean really - we didn't run a freaking marathon. The aches and pains in my joints and muscle pain that I haven't felt since the Jane Fonda workout (which was obviously not recent) is just rude. And it makes it even harder to get places that I'm summoned to all day by my little boy - like up and down off the floor or up and down the stairs or... up at all. Please... if we're going to live together and get along, you need to chill out.
The Tin Woman.
I'll be the first to admit - I haven't been the greatest wife lately. Do you even remember me? Oh, and you know those incredible meals we've been getting every day for the last 54 days from friends... and friends that are neighbors? They are ending next week. So... I'm sorry in advance. Let's just make it a blanket summer apology to cover me for a while. Let's plan a date. How's tomorrow night?
Me. You know... Kate.
If I had to guess, I bet you care about all of the above crap way more than anyone else. I know you are a people pleaser and I know it's important to you to make sure everyone knows how much you appreciate everything - but try to breathe more and worry less. And remember to keep your focus on the little people... like the one calling you right now saying "Watch this, Mama!"