Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Seeing It All In Black And White...

Today I drove... alone... into the city.  One of my least favorite things to do.  I get nervous in the city - watching for fast moving cars while watching for street signs while sighing that I can't stop to talk to every homeless person... I just don't like it.

But know what my "most least" favorite thing to do is?  Genetic counseling.

I drove down to the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania today to meet with a highly esteemed genetic counselor.  She had done her homework and looked at all of Gavin's genetic history ahead of time and was prepared to then hear mine during the appointment.

Do you know how many times I've had genetic counseling during a pregnancy?  Many.  You would think I would remember the answers to questions like:  "How many times have you been pregnant?" or, my favorite, "How many miscarriages have you had?"  For some reason, I freeze every time.  I really should have it written down and laminated in my wallet - to pull out as a reference card.  Maybe I could just hand it across the desk with my license and say "Here you go - you'll find all you need to know here."

I was at the hospital for hours.  Between the counseling and the waiting for blood work and the actual blood test that will tell me in a week (maybe a little longer) if everything is okay with Project Hope.  With just a single blood test, they can predict with up to 99% accuracy if there are any chromosomal abnormalities.  And they will tell us the gender.

Even though this pregnancy was so, so unexpected - I am very excited to have this new life growing inside of me.

But it also fills me with a great amount of fear.

I will be honest with you - I'm not sure I can handle another heartbreak.  It would seem like a cruel joke if something were to happen to this child between now and... well... I am old and gray and die of old age.

Seeing my history in black and white made it very real.  I'm not at all worried about my age - at 43 my chance of having a child with Downs Syndrome or other Trisomies are not all that high.  I can handle the statistics.  I'm just worried that I will not be able to carry this child.  If you were looking at my history in black and white like I did today... you'd understand why.

**Edited to add:  I ONLY mentioned Downs Syndrome and other Trisomies because that is what the appointment and testing was about - checking for these genetic syndromes that I am at higher risk for because of my age.  I was not implying that we would be upset or would terminate if we discovered any of these chromosomal abnormalities.  As I have mentioned in previous entries, Gavin was not shown to have any issues in my prenatal testing with him - yet we endured a torturous silent delivery room.  Ed and I do genetic testing so we can be emotionally, mentally, physically and perhaps financially prepared if there is an issue with our baby.**

We need to believe this baby born.  We need to hold onto hope.  It's all I've got.

I'm a crying mess tonight... but don't worry too much.  I need to get this all out so I can get ready to start all over in the morning with a fresher, more positive outlook.  (Well, I'll fake it 'till I make it, anyway.)

Thank you for loving our little family.  All of us.



32 comments:

  1. I do love your little family.. and worry and cry and laugh and pray for you. I am not naive and I will not make promises that are not mine to keep. But I will hope with you and believe and hope some more. Sweet dreams... tomorrow is a new day and one day closer to Hope.

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  2. Cheering for you all the way from Texas! Praying for Project Hope every day, too! Much love, Jenn

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  3. We all believe in project Hope too.

    Keep the faith.

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  4. Each day, one foot in front of the other. It's all you can do. Just know we are all trying to be a supportive bridge. And nothing is wrong with crying it all out last time I checked. Praying for Hope.

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  5. Nothing you can do about it except pray! And you have a world of prayers coming your way!!!! So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride..............I am SURE with all the hope and good vibes and prayers and love coming your way that you are going to be 100% fine and so is Hope. BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!

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  6. I think your fear is totally understandable. And I'm praying everyday that all continues to go well with Project Hope!

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  7. Yup I agree that the best thing to do is give in to those tears so you can wake up tomorrow and face a new day. Sending lots of positivity to you and Project Hope!

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  8. I really do pray that God will give you a break, Kate. It is far,far overdue and I will be the one to say it. I love the phrase "fake it til you make it." I do that so often. Keep on keeping on my dear cyberfriend.

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  9. Miracles happen all the time, you know that, yours will too.

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  10. Best of luck to you with this pregnancy, whatever comes next.

    While I don't have the exact same issue, I do have breast cancer in the family, and every year at mammo time, I canNOT remember when & where I had my biopsies, and all the other joyous things. I got a medical history book (Current, I think?) and I keep all the notes in there about my surgeries, my mammos, my tetanus shots, and all that stuff.

    Then I only have to remember to bring the book with me. *self-eye-roll*

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    1. I have to agree the notebook idea! I was thinking somewhere along those lines. I take quite a few meds,get tired of EVERY TIME I go to the dr.,have to repeat or just say yes,yes,yes,so I wrote them down and just give them to the nurse.

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  11. I think of you and yours every single day. May all the positive energy in the world be forever directed at your family and Project Hope. Much love, Kate.

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  12. Praying for your sweet family. We may have found the page because of your tragedy but we keep coming back because we truly care about you and your family. You have made an impact on so many people - so many people care about you and are praying and hoping for this Project Hope.

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  13. I pray that come December, those tears will be of joy & of thanks to God for gifting you with a healthy baby. You & Ed are the most deserving people in the world for this incredible gift. Continued prayers for Project Hope's healthy growth.

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  14. I don't know what else to say but this. We're all here, hoping and praying and witnessing. You aren't alone.

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  15. Sending prayers from Fort Wayne Indiana! Little tiny baby steps everyday (pun intended?). Set little reachable goals for yourself to help the days pass and before long we will all be celebrating Project Hopes arrival. Is it possible to have a cyber-baby shower? Hmmmmmmmm

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  16. Like many others I did not find ur blog until Gavin was in the hospital and a facebook friend shared ur prayer request. I was so touched by ur story and read every update with tears steaming down my face. Since then I have went back to ur very first caring bridge entry and read every single post. U are an amazing mom and ur writing has touched so many people. We are all praying for Project Hope and sending positive energy ur way. Wishing u only the best...Angie

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  17. Love to you Kate, actually, love you Kate! and your family. Praying for you each day...Stina

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    1. I am the quilt friend of Lise Mecham...my offer stands when you are ready...it will be made with love and prayers...Stina

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  18. Kelly HutchinsonJune 5, 2013 at 10:05 PM

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers to all of you with so much hope for a bright healthy future! You are amazing <3

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  19. Believing in Project Hope! Love you and your family. What a gift to truly care for someone who you've never met, yet feel close to. Praying for you and your family every day Kate!

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  20. The bravest thing of all is always HOPE.

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  21. Praying for happy results, a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby to know and love <3

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  22. Blessings to you and Project Hope.

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  23. It would be more concerning if you didn't cry. Having said that, we wish it wasn't so. I had a baby at 42 and we went through some basic genetic testing as well. Partly to just know what was up and partly to prepare my older children in case there was something out of the ordinary. We are all rooting for you, Ed, Brian, Project Hope, and Superhero Angel Gavin. Be well.

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  24. Your writing, in it's beautiful rawness, brings so much to so many, and you don't even know us! Sending hopes and prayers to you, your family, and your tiny Hope.

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  25. Thoughts and prayers with you and your little family on a daily basis; and that includes special thoughts for Project Hope to just hang tough for another 200+ days.

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  26. Jeremiah 29:11~~"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future".

    When I have fear I remember these words from the Bible....giving up human control and placing all my worries in the Lord's hands. It brings an incredible amount of inner peace. ---Janice from Topeka, KS

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  27. Sending prayers Kate...for you, Project Hope, Brian and Ed!

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  28. This is my first time commenting, but I am an avid reader of Chasing Rainbows....sending you prayers and love for Project Hope

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  29. Kate: I don't know if this will help or make matters worse, but I truly believe that God sends the greatest challenges to those he knows are the strongest people. You are wonderful, faithful people. Best wishes to you always.

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  30. I hope you woke up feeling better today. That's a hard task to do. I went through it with Sabrina, and even though we found out she has the same blood clot mutations Max does, we carried on, thank God. Every night before I go to sleep, Kate, I wake up and say a few silent words for Project Hope. xo

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