Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I Have Made A Decision...

This morning I had another glimpse of hope.  Project Hope, that is...
He or she looks great.  At this point in my pregnancy, 11 weeks and 3 days, the baby's hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under the gums, and some of the bones are beginning to harden.  If you look at the ultrasound, the white you see in the head area is actually his or her jaw bone.  And you can easily see the spine running down the back.  On some ultrasounds, the baby can be seen stretching and kicking.  Today, Project Hope was Project Snoozer.  Check out our little one...
Eleven days from now I will be in my second trimester.  Hard to believe.

I have made a big decision regarding this pregnancy.

I will stop worrying and continue to only believe this baby born.

This is really big for me... I hope you understand.  I have had loss after loss after loss, so no one would blame me for being scared out of my mind.  It doesn't help that I vividly remember the moment I felt safe enough to stop worrying during Darcy's pregnancy.  A month later, she was dead.

It is not a good feeling to constantly worry that the life inside of you is no longer living.  And I feel horrible guilt as a Mother for constantly thinking that my baby is dead.  The worry I felt was intensified with this pregnancy - as unplanned as it was - because of Gavin's recent death.  No one would blame me for being a complete freak-a-zoid.

But... no longer.

This child deserves to be celebrated by a positive Mommy.  I need to fully embrace this absolute gift from Heaven and just believe that everything will turn out the way it was meant to.  This baby already has an identity - is already a Leong - and already has a name lined up for when we hear the big news about the gender.  I will not expect this baby to die... anymore.  It's just not fair to him or her and it's really not fair to me, either.

I can find other things to become a freak-a-zoid about.

All that being said, we have decided to hold off for a while until we tell Brian.  If you ever see him, please don't mention the pregnancy.  I am feeling very protective of him and would hate to see him disappointed in any way.  More than that, December will seem like a lifetime away to him.  I'll hold off as long as I can... but that may not be too much longer.  Brian has already noticed that my chest has gone from zero to a hundred and keeps asking why.  I'm running out of answers... and fast.

The two of us decided to blow off some steam today.  Well, actually, I watched as Brian blew off some of his steam.  

We played outside and paid a visit to the tree that is apparently growing up to Heaven to bring Gavin home.
And then we took a trip to a brand new "Sky Zone" indoor trampoline park this afternoon.  After sitting on the sidelines and watching the "big kids" jump and do flips into a pool of foam blocks... Brian decided to jump right in and take a turn.  I was so proud of him for his bravery!!
He had a lot of fun, as you can see...

And I was happy to see him enjoying himself.



24 comments:

  1. Now I just cannot wait until December.

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  2. It looks like Brian had an awesome time... Project Hope, it's so awesome to see his/her little heart going. I had a late miscarriage and after that I worried myself literally to sickness with my last baby. My midwife told me to believe my baby will be born healthy... She was. Sending lots of prayers from NC!

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  3. Your story makes me teary...I have four children..actually five..my daughter Angelique is in heaven due to a preterm labor at 23 weeks six years ago. When my husband and I got pregnant last year I was so scared.. scared to become attached, scored to love her..everyday I worried. My beautiful daughter Dallas was born this past november..healthy and happy and whole. I look at her everyday in awe. I had to be brave and step out on rocky faith in that pregnancy taking joy in every day. I had had too many early miscarriages to count. My children are my joy, my husband my other half. I will pray for you, find the joy in your pregnancy everyday. I feel like I started to actually breath the moment Dallas took her first breath. She is my heart, my miracle.

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  4. I'm believing with you! Project Hope IS a blessing from above!!

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  5. I'm a week behind you in my pregnancy - one much prayed for as yours is - and I think your philosophy is wonderful and I too am trying to not worry. I've started meditating and doing all I can - along with prayer and a blessing by our priest - to believe that my baby will be here in late December/early January. Praying for a happy and healthy 30 more weeks for both of us!

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  6. This decision remind me so much of the story of Matt Hammitt, a singer/songwriter who so eloquently describes his decision to love his as of then unborn child with a heart defect: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xkn4a3_matt-hammitt-story-behind-all-of-me_music

    And I've been wishing someone would build a trampoline place where I live and have a special hour for middle-aged ladies!

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  7. Ann Dillon TannousJune 11, 2013 at 10:27 PM

    Brian is such a sweetheart! God bless him and all of the Leong family.

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  8. We are all rooting for you Kate. Your Brian is so so so cute. His smile is just beautiful. You are generous to continue to share with all of us. We believe is Project Hope too :-)

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  9. I remember being pregnant after Jacob died I was constantly worried. My doctor sat me down and commanded me to stop, it just wasnt good for "us" and thats when i realized i was an us now until birth. its hard to just stop worrying after something so traumatic happens. Even now 6 years after my Jacob left for heaven I catch myself thinking and imagining the worst and have to stop and breathe deep and try to relax because my kids happiness is everything to me. i try to think positive as much as i can. god bless

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  10. Yes,God bless the Leong family. You rock, Kate!

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  11. I have been following your blog for quite sometime and have been so very inspired by you......I have smiled, laughed, and most recently cried and cried for you. BUT....today, I am positively excited for you. I truly believe your optimistic attitude, embracing the belief that this tiny miracle will be born healthy, will allow this new baby to grow, develop and flourish. :) My prayers and wishes to you, today and till December.

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  12. I am following your blog from the other side of the world. Your story has touched my heart deeply. I cannot wait until December when I hear the news of the birth of your beautiful Hope (I guess girl!). I am so moved by Gavin and feel blessed that through your beautiful words, I've come to know him just a tiny bit. Your family is always in my prayers. I wish you a joyous and uneventful pregnancy. Enjoy every minute!

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  13. This is an excellent plan. I am here for you, praying with you and your little bundle of HOPE. ((HUGS))

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  14. Let go and let God...it's one of the hardest things any of us can ever do. I honor you today!

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  15. I think blame is the wrong word. Everyone would UNDERSTAND if you were a freak-a-zoid about Hope. I think her name says it all, though. You have Hope where most would let worry consume their thoughts. I think that makes you beyond a special mom. Congrats to your family.

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  16. I had 5 miscarriages before my daughter was born, she is now 10. When I got pregnant with her all I did was worry and almost deny to myself I was pregnant because it just never worked out. I told no one except close family. I wore my husband’s clothes until the end of the 5th month because I was afraid that buying maternity clothes would bring back luck. Sounds silly now but all you other moms get it. I remember asking my doctor after that 5th month if it was safe to buy maternity clothes. He laughed and hugged me and told me to go enjoy. I did. I loved every moment that was left. I ate like a savage, bought giant underwear and rubbed my belly imagining what her face would look like. 10 years later I still remember those moments I allowed myself to be happy, to be joyful and to be at peace with my beautiful girl. Having only one child was in the cards for me medically but I seriously still jump for joy when she comes home from school, holds my hand and lets me brush her hair. I send you positive vibes for positive thoughts. Enjoy. - Rochelle

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  17. Thank you for these words today. I need to take them to heart as well. Many prayers for your family, Kate.

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  18. We are hoping with you for project Hope. Sometimes being hopeful is the scariest thing in the world to do, but it is the most loving, for yourself and for this baby.

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  19. Your decision to not stress about this pregnancy is brave and amazing. But it's the best thing you could do for you and the baby! We're all hoping for the best! I am looking forward to seeing you holding your new baby in December!!

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  20. Kate, been thinking about how to say this clearly, hope it makes sense. Worry will not change the outcome, or protect you from any hurt, but it will stop you from enjoying these precious precious days with your baby, whether they last for a little while, or the rest of your life.
    I know this (for myself anyway) because I made a conscious decision to spend each day living and celebrating instead of constantly worrying if my daughter's cancer would relapse. We would not have had the amazing two and a half years we had before her relapse if they were filled with worry.
    "Hope is not optimism, nor is it conviction that something will go well. Rather it is the certainty that something has meaning...regardless of its outcome." Vaclav Havel

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  21. Kate,
    I could not agree more with what Kiri says above...I was given similar advice from an ultrasound tech as we discovered and told in not so many words that my spotting was likely a miscarriage. I know from personal experience how difficult it can be to really believe it when you are in that super-freakout stage. Especially for those of us that are on the anxious side anyway. But the quote Kiri cited at the end...oh my...that one is going in my collection. So. True. May you live the rest of your pregnancy in utter amazement at the miracle growing inside of you with the knowledge that these moments will be gone in a flash and what you will have to cling to is your memory of this experience. I know you will want to cherish the memories of this sweet girl growing inside you and I hope with everything I can, that years from now we will all get to read about how you tell her the story of how she was sent from Heaven at just the right time. -Jill

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  22. I really believe in Baby Hope. I do, I do, I do.

    This morning I read about how God responds to tears. Jesus raised the widow (of Nain)'s son because she was crying and people were weeping with her. He saw Mary cry and raised her brother Lazarus. He saw Jairus' panic and raised his daughter.

    I don't presume to know God's intentions, but I know that he has seen your tears and the tears of everyone around you. I have faith that he is doing something joyful and compassionate and miraculous right now just over 11 weeks in.

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