This morning I had another glimpse of hope. Project Hope, that is...
He or she looks great. At this point in my pregnancy, 11 weeks and 3 days, the baby's hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under the gums, and some of the bones are beginning to harden. If you look at the ultrasound, the white you see in the head area is actually his or her jaw bone. And you can easily see the spine running down the back. On some ultrasounds, the baby can be seen stretching and kicking. Today, Project Hope was Project Snoozer. Check out our little one...
Eleven days from now I will be in my second trimester. Hard to believe.
I have made a big decision regarding this pregnancy.
I will stop worrying and continue to only believe this baby born.
This is really big for me... I hope you understand. I have had loss after loss after loss, so no one would blame me for being scared out of my mind. It doesn't help that I vividly remember the moment I felt safe enough to stop worrying during Darcy's pregnancy. A month later, she was dead.
It is not a good feeling to constantly worry that the life inside of you is no longer living. And I feel horrible guilt as a Mother for constantly thinking that my baby is dead. The worry I felt was intensified with this pregnancy - as unplanned as it was - because of Gavin's recent death. No one would blame me for being a complete freak-a-zoid.
But... no longer.
This child deserves to be celebrated by a positive Mommy. I need to fully embrace this absolute gift from Heaven and just believe that everything will turn out the way it was meant to. This baby already has an identity - is already a Leong - and already has a name lined up for when we hear the big news about the gender. I will not expect this baby to die... anymore. It's just not fair to him or her and it's really not fair to me, either.
I can find other things to become a freak-a-zoid about.
All that being said, we have decided to hold off for a while until we tell Brian. If you ever see him, please don't mention the pregnancy. I am feeling very protective of him and would hate to see him disappointed in any way. More than that, December will seem like a lifetime away to him. I'll hold off as long as I can... but that may not be too much longer. Brian has already noticed that my chest has gone from zero to a hundred and keeps asking why. I'm running out of answers... and fast.
The two of us decided to blow off some steam today. Well, actually, I watched as Brian blew off some of his steam.
We played outside and paid a visit to the tree that is apparently growing up to Heaven to bring Gavin home.
And then we took a trip to a brand new "Sky Zone" indoor trampoline park this afternoon. After sitting on the sidelines and watching the "big kids" jump and do flips into a pool of foam blocks... Brian decided to jump right in and take a turn. I was so proud of him for his bravery!!
He had a lot of fun, as you can see...
And I was happy to see him enjoying himself.