Today has been an exceptionally difficult day for me. I imagined it would be tough - but I didn't think it would hit me this hard.
I hate to admit that I had little patience with Brian today who seemed to have 8 million more questions than normal. He didn't know I had little patience... except for the one moment that I said, "Brian, I really need you to be quiet for a little bit. Please." And he started to cry. Mommy fail.
A friend came over with her little boy who is just a little older than Brian. It created a nice diversion and gave me a break from being needed for an hour. Although I can't help but wonder if my mood colored the entire visit a dark shade of grey.
Ed came home early and said he'd take Brian out to the toy store to pick out a "birthday present" while I went alone to another store to get the cake and three balloons. Ed said, "Could you get a blue one, too?" Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. It hit me that this is the first "Darcy Day" without Gavin. And sending a blue balloon up to Heaven from Gavin wouldn't make sense... he's already there!! I cried all the way to the store. It didn't help when the girl in the bakery wrote Happy Birthday Darcy in yellow instead of pink and you can barely see it. I just didn't care at that point.
Brian was very excited about the yellow cake.
Which I dropped on the floor immediately after this photo was taken.
Of course I did.
Luckily, I keep a very clean house. The beauty of writing (and not answering the door) is that I can totally lie about how clean my house is and you'll never know. I patched up the cake and moved on. Basically a metaphor for my life.
Three years ago today - minutes before Mother's Day in 2010 - I delivered Darcy. Then, I thought it was the single most devastating thing I would ever experience. I was right... until now. Every year I write a post about her. And this year I realized that it's getting harder and harder to think of anything new. I wasn't able to make any memories with her outside of pregnancy. The things I think about her are projections of what I believe it would have been like to have her here. My daughter. And that makes me realize that soon I'll run out of original material for Gavin. I do not look forward to that day. And neither should others around me.
So today we sat in the backyard... our family of three on Earth with our two children in Heaven...
...and we sent our pink balloons to Darcy.
Our love letters to Heaven.
Brian chased them to the front of the house...
...and we watched as they quickly and silently disappeared. As we stood there, a yellow butterfly crossed right in front of us. We tried to follow it, but it was nowhere to be found.
We came inside to enjoy the yellow "floor cake" and Brian sang "Happy Birthday to You"
And Mommy cried.
Happy Birthday, Darcy Claire...