Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Night Before Disney...

We had a nice time with Ed's cousin, Glenn, this past weekend.  He was a welcome distraction - especially for Brian.  Let's just say that Glenn has a LOT more energy than Mommy and Daddy who tend to sleepwalk through Brian's "Watch this!  Play with this!  Let's do this!  Come look at this!" all day long.  Glenn went to the top of the favorite person list for bringing a water balloon kit, a wiffle ball and a bat.
We discovered two things during that day.  Water balloons are a long set up for a short splat!  And... we are still on the fence about Brian being left handed or right!  He colors with both, writes his name with his right, throws with both and bats left handed.  I guess time will tell!
Over the weekend, we also bought Brian a new bike!  He has a new obsession with Lightning McQueen from the movie, Cars, so it wasn't a big surprise when he chose that bike.  Although, I have a gut feeling we were sold the wrong size.  Did I mention that we are often sleepwalking?
I raised the seat after this photo, but to me it still seems a tad bit small.
This type of bike takes some getting used to - Brian gets frustrated when he pushes back and brakes.  On his tricycle when he pushes back on the pedals, he actually goes backwards.  But he's been practicing and getting better and better!
The bike came with cute little cones, so we set up obstacle courses that he has to ride through!
I may, just for fun, sit some eggs on the top and ask him to park between two egg-topped cones.  (Sorry, I can never resist a Brady Bunch reference.)

Last night I had a garage moment.  I woke up around 2am in panic mode.  I hopped out of bed and came downstairs to have a major panic attack.  Then, after it passed, I spent the next hour in the garage bawling my eyes out.  The garage is nice for two things, I've discovered - throwing boxes and breaking into the ugly, loud sobs that are protected between walls and doors.  You can really let yourself go in a garage.  I highly recommend it.  So why the panic?  Well... you would think it was nerves for this morning's ultrasound.  But it wasn't.  Suddenly I was feeling pangs of guilt about our Disney World Trip.  We should have gone with Gavin.  Maybe it's too soon to go after Gavin's death.  Maybe we shouldn't go at all since Gavin isn't here.  We couldn't wait to take him to Disney.  We know he would have loved everything - the rides, the music, the shows.  I just lost it - bit time- through the middle of the night and had a hard time going back to bed.

It breaks my heart to go without him.  One of my favorite things to do with Gavin was take him on rides.  He was so happy and daring!
I often wondered if the rides gave him a feeling of freedom - of weightlessness - of independence.  I suppose I could comfort myself by remembering he experiences ALL of those things now.  For that, I am happy.  For him.

If I'm being honest, though, it sure sucks for me.  It's so hard to believe it's been SIX weeks since he died.  The entire thing is still so, very shocking and unbelievable.
But here we are... the night before our first trip to Disney World.  Today, right after lunch, we sat Brian down to tell him.  Ed, Miss Sara and I were eagerly anticipating this moment and his reaction.  He didn't disappoint!!  Watch...

We've been talking about Disney a lot lately... watching Disney movies, talking about characters, saying how cool it would be if we saw the Disney Castle... so I guess we shouldn't have been surprised when he guessed where we were going!  

We got some more great news about our little Project Hope this morning.  Miss Sara came along for her first glimpse of her Godchild and the baby really put on a show.  Everything looks wonderful, thank God.  Check out Project Hope's dance moves!!

After this appointment, I feel a lot less stressed about flying to Disney World.  I plan to do a lot of sitting, a lot of water drinking, and a lot of ice cream eating while we're there.  The ice cream eating is doctor's orders.  I also have a set appointment for my genetic blood test at the University of Pennsylvania on June 10th.  They said I should know in less than a week if this is a boy or a girl!  Place your bets now!  

My next four blog posts will be written from Disney World!!!  It will be a mixture of happy and sad, for sure.  But we know, as always, that Gavin will be right there with us in sprit. And I know he would want nothing less than for us to make wonderful memories with his beloved little brother.  We can do that, Gavin.  Promise.


  1. Hugs. What you're doing is so hard, but it's so right. You're living. There's no such thing as "too soon" for something. There's only "when you're ready and able". And Disney will be so healing for family.

  2. Will also be in Disney later this week. I know chances that I'll spot you are a million to one, but you better believe I'll be keeping my eyes out because I would so love to give you a hug. Prayers for a safe journey and a wonderful time! xoxo - Melanie

  3. Gavin will be with you on each ride and every step. He would never want you to deprive Brian from this wonderful trip because he didn't get to go in his earthly form. Send a Mickey balloon up to him! :D Have a wonderful time.

    1. Love, love, LOVE this idea!! You totally should!

  4. Have fun. Prayers for you all during your trip.

  5. I hope you have such a wonderful time in Disney! Truly, have a blast. I know Gavin would want you to.
    And as for my guess for the gender, girl. :) I've thought that as soon as you announced you were pregnant...but maybe that's because you have been calling the baby, "Hope". Seriously, I really think you should name her that if it's a girl. :)
    God bless you all!


  6. This trip is soooo needed by all of you.... You will see through Brian's eyes. And Gavin will be there with you & would definitely approve.... Baby sure is a cutie & I think HER name should be HOPE!!! Love Love Love the video... And you will need alot of water & ice cream here in Orlando... plus some Gatorade. It is HOT!!! Enjoy & post alot of photos!! <3 <3 <3

  7. I am in the same thoughts of the people above, I think it is a girl who should be named HOPE. Praying for a healthy baby no matter if its a boy or girl.

  8. Make sure you pack cool comfy clothes and a hat, it is crazy hot here right now!! And if you decide that you want to brave SeaWorld too while you are here, email me at adventuresinmattyland@gmail.com. I have 4 tickets set aside in case you want them :)

    Have a wonderful time!

  9. I think this is going to be wonderful for all of you. Like an earlier post said, see it all through Brian's eyes, and enjoy every moment. Gavin will be so happy that his little brother is having a good time and every little smile and laugh that Brian gets from Mom and Dad will make Gavin smile too. :) Hugs and prayers

  10. This trip will be really good for all of you. You could all use some of Disney's brand of magic and joy in your lives right now! Gavin will be dancing around and laughing in heaven, and he'll be so glad you took his little brother...his best buddy...to the happiest place on earth! I like the idea of sending up a Mickey balloon to him in heaven!

    As for the baby? Well...it doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl because it's a miracle either way...but I think it's a girl. :-)

    As always, sending love and prayers from Minnesota!

  11. I'm going to have to agree with the Mickey balloon idea. It's perfect. As for my guess of Project Hope's gender... I think its a girl. But I know you will be over joyed either way. Have a great time and take in all the Disney magic you can. <3

  12. Gavin WILL be there and he will be soooo happy! I truly believe that!
    I'm betting Project Hope is a girl.... and wondering if you will name her Hope.
    Praying for you all!

  13. Have an AWESOME time and take Brian on the Monsters, Inc. ride/game in Hollywood Studios. You get to "shoot" at different things while you're riding in a "car". What a blast! Also, there's a buffet in Magic Kingdom that does a "meeting with Winnie the Pooh and Friends". If you can, take Brian to eat there. It's a fun place. Oh, what am I saying?? The whole place is fun! As for you....don't stress. This trip is right for all of you and like others have said before my comment, Gavin will be there with you through it all. Take deep breaths and have a great time!!! Hugs to all of you!!!

  14. Have an awesome trip. And we look forward to a time down the road when YOU choose a name for the baby. Gee whiz, people! But clearly you have a lot of supporters and prayers, which is good!

  15. I love Disney! Have a wonderful time! Yopu are right,, Gavin will be there with you and would love to see his little brother happy enjoying Disney! HOPE is quite the little dancer! Michele (SYracuse)

  16. OK, Brian's reaction was awesome--and just think of how out-of-his-head excited he's going to be when he's there. You are doing a good thing taking him, plus better now then when you're a lot more pregnant. Oh, and now he and Max have definitely got to hang, so Max and him can talk Lightning McQueen! I'm thinking girl, and I could swear she was doing the Macarena in the sonogram. I hope your trip there is comfortable! FYI, I'm not sure what you've booked but we thought the character buffet dinner at The Crystal Palace was awesome, all the characters walk around to your table. xo

  17. I'm sure you will have a wonderful trip. I live here in Orlando. The weather is starting to get hot, so be sure everyone stays hydrated.

    In regard to Brian's left/right handedness, my younger brother was exactly the same. When my mom would ask him why he would switch off hands when coloring, he simply said that when one hand gets tired, he uses the other. He is now 48 years old and has never changed. Maybe Brian will be the same and this will be a lifelong thing, too.

  18. Boy? Girl? God knows what is best :-) How about a red head?!

  19. I'm so happy for Brian! Please God let it be a girl so you can name her Hope because that's what this baby is - Hope.

  20. Go and enjoy all the amazingness that Disney will offer. We went down to WDW about 2 months after Maddie passed and I had just found out I was pregnant with the twins. Seeing Gwen's excitement about everything made it such a great trip and lifted the cloud that I had been living in for weeks. Maddie was still there with us in so many ways, but it felt good to be able to laugh and have happy cries. I can only hope that your family has the same type of trip.

  21. I LOVE Project Hope's dance moves! Precious!

  22. I'm betting girl!!!
    Can't wait to hear about Disney.

  23. Every SINGLE time I pull up to a light, I think about that Brady Bunch episode where the older kids had to pull up to the cone with the egg, to see who got closer! I love that episode!

    I'm a betting girl... I'm going to say boy, (who's middle name will be Gavin?) I'm also going to say girl, so I can guarantee myself a win! lol

    Either way, congrats.. you deserve some GREAT things right now... you can't have too many ickies...it'll turn you into someone like me!!


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