The last few days have been very difficult for me. Physically and emotionally - I am just so tired.
Every so often I have a flare up of my Rheumatoid Arthritis combined with Fibromyalgia. That's what happened to me on Wednesday. I woke up and, after hoisting myself out of bed, really debated keeping Brian home from school. I wasn't sure I'd be able to get him dressed - let alone have the energy to drive him in. When these two things happen at once (which, thankfully, is not often!) it's pretty debilitating. My fingers are swollen three times their size... every joint aches terribly... my muscles throughout my entire body feel like someone is squeezing them tightly... my skin feels sunburned... I can barely think straight... and I'm so, so tired. The mornings are always the worst until about noon when my joints calm down. It really sucks! And when you're already feeling pretty depressed - having these kinds of physical issues make it seem so much worse.
I did get Brian to school that morning and spent a long day trying to keep up with his energy. From my perspective only - having to handle my grief, an unexpected pregnancy and all the fears that come with that, Brian's grief and his day to day needs and high energy, Ed's grief and my physical issues that crop up... it is not a picnic. I have been through a lot in my lifetime, but Gavin's death is by far the biggest challenge of all. I keep repeating my own private mantra to get me through my days...
"Honor Gavin in all you do. Honor Gavin in all you do. Honor Gavin in all you do. Honor Gavin in all you do."
My ultimate goal is to not let myself or my family be destroyed by this tragedy. I want every choice I make to honor Gavin's life - his death - his legacy. The way I handle myself. The way I parent his little brother who meant so very much to him.
The way I treat his Father who he loved so dearly.
Keeping that in my mind - and my heart - is helping me get through this.
But it's hard.
My focus is on my home. On Brian... and Ed. I don't really answer the phone or even the door. I'm trying to keep up with responding to emails, but I likely won't reach the middle - let alone the summit - of that mountain. My Mom and my sister, Bean, came over Thursday night to help me start on thank you notes, for which I was very grateful! Please know that I (hopefully) won't forget you. It is a daunting task - for more reasons than you think. But it is very important to me to acknowledge everyone who has gone out of their way to do nice things for us. It may take me a while... but I'll get there.
One more complaint and then I swear I'm done. The really bad thing about having Rheumatoid Arthritis - and Fibromyalgia - especially when you have them at the same time - is that you are so, so tired. But the logical solution of going to bed is, for me, the worst thing I could do. Staying in one place too long means you stiffen up and it just makes it that much harder when you get up. Booooo!!!
I'm done complaining.
I'm a lot of things.
But mostly, I'm broken hearted. And that colors everything these days.
I will continue to honor Gavin in everything I do.