It's a beautiful gift to watch Brian grieve in his own way for Gavin. I say it's a gift because Brian is so open to talking about his brother... his death... and his feelings. And I'm grateful that I'm here with him all the time to listen... to watch... and, quite frankly, to learn.
I could learn a lot about grieving from Brian.
On the way home from school today:
"Mama, I told my friend Aidan that I missed Gavin. And guess what he said? He said he missed Gavin, too. Wasn't that nice?"
"Yeah, Brian... that was really nice of him. I think a lot of people miss Gavin. But I bet he misses YOU the most."
"Yeah. I know he does."
Outside playing before lunch:
"Mama! Take a picture of me on the bike so you can show Daddy. He'll be so proud of me!"
Brian has had ZERO interest in riding a bike - any bike. We've had this tricycle in the basement - which he totally outgrew after never riding it - but he wanted me to bring it up. He's VERY proud of himself for trying it out.
"Can you mail that picture to Heaven's House? I want Gavin to see it, too. He'll be proud of me, too."
"Yes he will, Brian!! I bet he's watching you right now and jumping up and down with joy!!"
"Mama, I'm ready to take a rest now."
"Ummm..... okay, Bri. That's a surprise!" I've not put him down for a nap for weeks.
"I want to go play with Gavin in his bed."
While zipping him into Gavin's bed at his request:
"Mama? Why is everyone sad that Gavin died?"
"Well, it's sad when people die. And it's especially sad when you love that person so, so much like we love Gavin. Sometimes Mommy cries a lot because I miss Gavin so much. And sometimes Daddy cries a lot because he misses him, too. Do you cry?"
"No. I don't cry. But I miss Gavin. Does Daddy cry because he can't tickle Gavin anymore?"
"I think that's part of it, buddy. Daddy and Gavin used to love playing the tickle game, didn't they?"
"It's okay. God is tickling Gavin in Heaven's House. I can hear Gavin laughing from here."
"You can? You are SO LUCKY!! I wish I could hear Gavin laughing in Heaven!!!!!!!!!"
"You can, silly! You just have to LISTEN!!"
"You're right, Brian. That is good advice."
This morning, after dropping Brian off at preschool, I nervously drove to the doctor. I am so lucky that the Fertility Clinic that we went to for years is allowing me to come in for early monitoring - even though I haven't been a patient there in over a year. It's such a relief to know everything is okay. And today, everything was okay. I had another glimpse of Project Hope. Here is a video where you can see the strong heartbeat.
It was a huge relief.
And if you're looking at the video and wondering if there are two babies in there... there aren't. The other "thing" is the yolk sac. Just one baby.
I (with great anxiety) feel like I need to (reluctantly) address something that has been (true story) happening at least ten (usually more) times a day.
I am asked (a lot) if I will share people's Facebook pages, causes, fundraisers, blogs, businesses and more. I'm asked to place things on my blog. I'm asked to solicit support on my FaceBook page. I'm asked to "Like" others pages. It is overwhelming me... and I want to (nervously, but so, so sincerely) explain why.
I am a people pleaser and I really, really hate to say no to people. I do. I also love to help people - but am realizing, sadly, that I can't help everyone. If I say yes to one person... I have to say yes to every person. Soon, readers who come to see what's going on with Brian... or read about Gavin... will be inundated with my promotions for other people's families, causes, businesses, fundraisers... do you see what I'm trying to say? I decided to create a "policy" of sorts to respectfully say no to everyone. Because I can't say yes to everyone, which is my nature.
I also can't give you money. Or ship you Gavin's things. Or his clothes. Or give you my phone number. (Yes, all of these things have been asked of me.)
Please don't look me up and call my home... or stop by. It's just not appropriate.
I don't like doing this - I hate it, actually. I realize that my page has suddenly exploded... and I get that being on my page right now might bring more attention to yours. But if I'm being really honest, during this time (or any time, really) when I'm dealing with the death of my son - it makes me feel very used. I don't like that feeling. I do, however, like you. And I'm not looking to hurt anyone's feelings. So, if you'll stop asking... then I won't suffer from anxiety trying to come up with a response to you that won't hurt your feelings. Because I really, really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So... can we agree on that?
I really loved when my Chasing Rainbows Facebook Page wall was filled with the wonderful things people were doing in Gavin's memory - random acts of kindness, volunteering, etc. It would make me so happy to see more of that and less requests of me. I am tired... and I can't afford to expend extra energy on fielding multiple (and I mean big time multiple) emails a day asking for more more more.
I hope, with all my heart, you understand.