Friday came and went without a word. I think I was the only one who knew what day it was.
Friday, September 21st, would have been Darcy's 2nd birthday.
Last year's birthday didn't go very well. I had a miscarriage that morning, was home alone with two sick boys and a broken heater that needed repair. I wrote about the whole day HERE.
This year, I thought in advance about what I should do. Just off the "getting rid of all of our baby things" extravaganza, I didn't know if I could handle much, to be honest. That was hard enough. To celebrate the daughter I birthed and held and then handed over to a funeral home on the heels of that? It seemed too much to bear.
There are a few things of Darcy's that I just couldn't part with. Her Madeline doll. Her Mary Janes. And her cherry blossom bedding set. They still sit in the corner of our dining room staring at me every day.
I guess it shouldn't have been a surprise that my body was so twisted up and in pain all last week. As Friday got closer and closer - I felt worse and worse. I decided to do some happy things on that day - things that might make me feel better. Getting in with Dr. Trish was a perfect way to start the day. And then taking Brian to meet Ed for lunch - that was very fun. The movie? It couldn't have been better. My sweet boy and I were the only two in the theater. He was mesmerized and never moved an inch except to hold my hand now and then. And I was able to shed a few tears under my 3D glasses.
(As an aside: The lunch date and movie were not a reward for Brian's whining. And yes, I do discipline him. But I'm also aware of my children's emotions and respond to them. I sensed that Brian's recent acting out was him needing some one on one time. A lot of the time the focus is on Gavin around here. Brian doesn't know how to vocalize his needs or frustrations. He's three! I don't believe in constant punishment without trying to figure out the root of the issue. We had a wonderful day bonding together and he's been great all weekend. I sure got a lot of mail and a few comments here reprimanding me for spoiling him. Several notes from people who don't have kids, but still had advice. But now you know what was going on with ME that day - the day was probably more about me than him, to be honest. It's a good lesson to take a breath before you judge someone - you never know the whole story.)
Ed went out for some after work fun to a local casino that night. As I sat alone in the kitchen, with the boys asleep in their beds, I grappled with whether or not I had made the right choice.
Was I selfish for not celebrating her because of my emotional fragility? Or is there a time when I should just stop talking about it? Should I have to remind everyone around me about special dates? Or should I not expect anyone but me, her Mother, to notice? These are all rhetorical questions - and I don't have the answer to any of them. I felt a lot of guilt going to bed on Friday, that's for sure. And a slight bit of resentment that I had been so "alone."
The truth is, she is a big part of my life and our family. I think of her every single day. Talk to her all the time. If you know me and you ever see me holding my heart pendant - the one I wear around my neck that holds her ashes - I'm saying a little prayer for her. I do it all the time. I even represent her each year in our "Scarecrow family" outside of our house. In my eyes, we will always be a family of five.
Ed and I watch the show "The X Factor" together. Every time I see a young girl sing on stage in front of the judges...and they flash to her Mom and Dad backstage...I can't hold back my tears. Many moons ago I sang. I wasn't half bad. I always dreamed that I would have a little girl who sang like me. Or was musical in any way. I just feel so robbed - I had a daughter and just like that she was taken away.
When I think that each year - each birthday - each "Darcy Day" when we celebrate her actual birth - will get easier, it doesn't. I don't think it will ever feel okay for me to let go.
And part of me doesn't want to.
Happy 2nd Birthday, Darcy Claire. Mommy misses you so much.