I just write.
The days happen and I just write about it. The good, the bad, the ugly. That's what I'm compelled to do. And I never know what will affect someone or what will strike a nerve among many. I don't think about that. I just write. Because I have to. Because I need to. Because it helps me.
My greatest wish is that one day Gavin and Brian will come upon this journal like a bottle washed up on the beach. I hope that they sit down and read it and feel a connection with me that they hadn't before. A connection to me as a person - who also happens to be their Mom. I hope that they don't read it thinking "She's trying to look like a good Mom." I hope they read it and see that I tried. That I felt everything deeply because that's who I am. That I worked hard to learn every inch of them so I could make the best choices. I hope they see that I'm human. That I made mistakes. That I got angry and sad and depressed and lonely. That I went overboard celebrating them because it was the obvious thing to do in my eyes. That I developed dark circles staying up researching ways to help them or heal them. That I loved them so much and wanted to document every single moment so I never forgot it. I want them to take this journal into their life journeys and know that they don't have to be perfect to be great. In anything. They just have to try.
I just write.
And yesterday, you read.
Since yesterday morning when I posted "Flashing Lights...", over a thousand people have seen it. It has been shared on Facebook pages as a "School is open" type of reminder to be patient with school bus pick ups and drop offs. It has been shared by parents who are also struggling with the high emotion of sending a child off to school...whether their child has special needs or is typically developing.
And your emails. Wow. Thank you to SO many of you who have emailed me with your kind words, similar emotions, fears for the future and the simple "I get it." Thank you to those who understood me this week. Because it wasn't just about the run in with a Principal or the beeping neighbor or the first day rain storm or the person at the bus window impatiently shouting.
It was about letting go.
This week I was walking on thin ice, emotionally.
To those who didn't understand...who thought I should "suck it up, it's just school"...who told me I was overreacting to everything...that's okay. That's who I am. If I wrote that I felt something different - it wouldn't really be an authentic blog. I can't help what I feel or who I am. Ironically, the posts I write from my heart when I let it all out are the ones that generate the most mail. It hits a nerve...which means that whatever I may be feeling, someone else is too. And now that person - and me - feel less alone. And a little more free. That's an amazing feeling for someone who just wants to write.
The week came to an end yesterday - Gavin completed his first week of school. He met new friends and made first impressions. He worked with new therapists and did lots of new things. He walked down the halls of his new school in his walker and met an entire Kindergarten class. He made art projects and filled the refrigerator door with pieces of pride. His...mine...everyone's pride.
Tuesday we will begin again. Each day will get easier for me. Gavin is so happy - and even with his broken finger which will be taped for ten days, he continues to smile and amaze us all. Even though it's hard to watch that bus drive away, I know it's taking him into the bright future he deserves.
And I'll be here to write all about it.