Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Not My Will, Thy Will...

Well, this is it.  The eve of my final embryo transfer.  Perhaps you're tired of reading about all this fertility stuff.  I would understand that!  Believe it or not, I will feel THRILLED tomorrow when it's over.  


Why? 


Because I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of filling my body with bottles full and needles filled with all kinds of medicines.  I'm tired of charting and schedules and internal ultrasounds and blood tests.  I'm tired of moodiness as a side effect.  (Although it's been a perfect excuse)  I'm tired of failures that are heartbreaking...and a husband who keeps needing to console me.  I'm tired of thinking about it and saving everything for a baby that hasn't come.


I feel like we've been living in limbo since Darcy died.  But we are ready to move from there.  Finally.


It feels good to be going into this last and final attempt feeling okay - feeling sure - feeling a sense of acceptance that whatever happens is what was meant to happen.  Tomorrow morning at 11:30, one little embryo will be delivered into my womb.  I will rest in bed for two days and will continuously repeat my mantra...


Not my will...but Thy will be done.


I will know if I'm pregnant or not in two weeks or less.


If I'm pregnant - we will be overjoyed!!  Girl or boy - we're happy either way!  We would be thrilled to finally give Gavin and Brian another sibling to share their journey with.  We have a bedroom for this baby - and equipment for this baby - and love that knows no boundaries. I will feel energized to kick our lives into high gear - do more, play more, heal more, learn more. And we would be forever grateful to the angel donor who helped us bring that baby home.



If I'm not pregnant - we will be fine!  In a way, I will feel relief.  I can clear out our basement filled with stored baby items - clothes, equipment, toys and more.  I will feel relief that I can just live - like nothing is hanging over my head like an undone 'to-do' list.  I will feel energized to kick our lives into high gear - do more, play more, heal more, learn more. 



Either path is lined with roses.  


It's shocking, even to me, that I feel this way.  I could only get here on my own...in my own time.  And now that I'm here - it feels right.  I bet you that this new place of acceptance will be what gets me pregnant this time.  Perhaps this is where I was meant to be all along.  Better late than never, right?


Not my will...but Thy will.





3 comments:

  1. I will be praying that all goes well :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hope that it all goes well. Enjoy the 2 days bed rest and catch up on some reading!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm sending best wishes, positive thoughts, good karma and most importantly prayers.

    ReplyDelete

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