Friday, June 15, 2012

Hi, Dad...

Hi, Dad.

It's Father's Day Weekend and I'm really missing you.  Not really because it's "Father's Day".  Not at all.  When you have a Dad as great as mine - every day is Father's Day, let's be honest.  It's just coincidental that I'm needing you and missing you and wishing you were here to talk to at the moment.

I could really use one of your hugs.
You know that I'm generally a very positive person.  I get that from you!  But for the last few days I've become increasingly down and I can't stop the train headed to 'downville'.  My anxiety is growing over these negative pregnancy tests.  I know it's too early to "give up", but it's getting harder to stay hopeful.

I could also use one of your pep talks.

It didn't help that today Ed and I went to DuPont to meet with Gavin's Genetic team.  We had to go over consent forms and have our blood drawn in order to start Gavin's Exome Sequencing test.  We feel SO lucky to be part of this groundbreaking new testing.  But it brought it home for me again the years I have diligently brought Gavin back for genetic test after genetic test...researched genetic syndromes into the wee hours of the morning...all to try to shed some light onto our mystery boy.  And it was a reminder of why we long for another sibling for the boys.  We had to make hard decisions today - like whether we want to know if Gavin is predisposed to diseases in the near or distant Cancer.  Or if he is a carrier for any genetic diseases that would affect children that he would have.  In the end - we decided we wanted to know it all.  The good, the bad and the ugly.

Tomorrow is Brian's 'half birthday' - he'll be 3 1/2.  I know you see him, so I don't need to tell you how he's talking and telling jokes and doing puzzles and pretending.  But I wish you were really here - I can see you sitting patiently with him over a puzzle.  Every so often Brian comes out with the question, "Pop come home soon?"  Boy, how I wish I could say yes.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.  I talk to you every day, as usual.  And I still call Mom every day - not much has changed there. I hope someday to hear from you - somehow, someway.  I miss you so much.

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