Monday, February 13, 2012

Seriously, God?...

I'm not embarrassed to tell you that I'm feeling pretty low. Sad. Tearful. Depressed. This weekend I was a big ol' sad sack. I didn't write because I had nothing good to say. You know when you hold something in and hold it in and hold it in...and then something happens and it all comes flooding out? That happened to me this weekend.

On Saturday we took the boys for haircuts in the morning...and then decided to go to the YMCA after lunch. Ed wanted to see Gavin walking in the gym like he had for me and Miss Sara last week. And we thought Brian would have fun playing basketball. So we packed everything and everyone up and headed over. Except Gavin refused to not only walk...but even to stand!! Ed probably saw him take ten steps total.

Eventually we just put him back in his stroller and the two of them watched me chase Brian around the gym.

We made some shadow monsters, which was fun...

...but not for long. Brian wasn't into the whole 'run around the gym' idea. It turned out to be a big bust for everyone.

As we were packing up, Brian's coat fell on the floor. I bent down to grab it and as I stood up I hit my head VERY hard on the cover of a fire alarm pull switch. I saw stars for a few seconds and dramatically grabbed my head...and then, the tears. Uncontrollable tears. I just wanted to say, "Ok, God...what the hell can happen next? Seriously. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!" Doesn't make total sense - but it did to me. I'm getting tired of the hits - they just keep coming lately and I am over it. It didn't help that Ed was very concerned about me. (I know - the nerve of him, right??) He wanted me to take off my baseball cap so he could check if I cut my head open. Ummm....yeah, that wasn't happening. Not in a YMCA filled with people. I was already making a scene with my uncontrollable heaving and waterworks.

Ugh. Like I said...a total bust. My head is fine. My ego is bruised, but I'm used to that.

The rest of the weekend was low key. We just hung around and worked on Valentines for friends and therapists and teachers. Today Gavin was able to give his first Valentine to Miss Janna, who he just loves and adores EVERY day.

And then he showed us all that he's still very good at color matching. He parked the car in the right color spot every time. Yay, Gavin!

We also had electricians here today. They installed ceiling fans with lights and dimmers in the boys' bedrooms - and the empty bedroom. We have a temperature issue on our second floor and it very often gets hot upstairs. I also wanted to eliminate standing lamps that Gavin could pull down on himself. The boys rooms are looking sharp!!

This afternoon I took Brian to see my Acupuncturist, Dr. Kang. I wrote on Friday that I had taken Gavin to see her. She confirmed that he was sensitive to eggs, which we knew, and also told us that he had a gluten and wheat sensitivity...which we didn't know. So today it was Brian's turn. She gave him a massage, just as she did for Gavin, and he laid there with his face through the hole...giggling the whole time.

He was such a good boy in her office - following her instructions to rub his hands together and hold little vials in one hand while holding my hand with his other. I wanted to cry (again) when the results started coming in. Brian seems sensitive (or allergic) to eggs...wheat...gluten...and some type of nut. Her test was for two large groups of nuts and he was allergic to one group. We were able to identify cashew and almond - but she didn't have the capability to zero in on any other kinds of nuts.

This was my worst fear.

So now we'll be making some major changes to our meal and snack collection. I wish there was someone, like a fairy, that could come into my house and set everything up and leave detailed "He can eat this and this and this - but dear God, not this or this." in bold letters in our pantry. I'm really not kidding.

I'm not going to lie...I feel completely overwhelmed.
With that.
With everything.
With life.
Don't worry...I'll get over it.

There is a silver lining in all this. This week at school, Brian is "Star of the Week" which makes my heart just melt. Today he was "interviewed" in front of his class. He told them his brother's name, his fish's name, his favorite color, etc. His teacher said he was very proud and took the interview very seriously. (We were practicing all weekend!) Tomorrow he gets to bring in his favorite book to share with his friends.

There's always something positive going on around's hard to dwell for too long!

1 comment:

  1. My 1st baby was a 30 weeker & my 2nd one was a 25 weeker born with cleft lip & palate. Along with many blessings came lots anger. Flipping through radio stations on my way to the NICU one day to visit baby #2 I heard a rock song by Papa Roach for the 1st time titled "Kick in the Teeth" & it reminded I could take whatever came my way.....You amaze me in your posts as you grow stronger with each "kick in the teeth" that you overcome.


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