Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Where I Am...

Gosh...I'm finding it so hard to write still. I think it's going to be this way for a little while. I'm so sorry. It may seem silly to say this - but I almost feel embarrassed. I just feel so...stuck. Mentally. Physically. In every way.

I know one thing for sure. When I am back to having regular help with the boys, I will get back on track with Dr. Trish. She has helped me so much in the past - Gavin, too. And now that my arthritis has gone off the rails and it's been very difficult for me physically, I realize just how important sessions with her are to me. If there was any doubt that there is a mind-body connection to illness and physical issues...I am proof. As my world crashed down - so did my body. It's not a coincidence.

Gavin has been all about exploring - all day, every day. He barely plays with his toys and you can't keep him in one place for long. His favorite room in the house these days is the laundry room. Especially when it starts to get dark. He loves to look out the window at the lights I have rigged up on the back deck and in some trees.

Today was so busy - Brian had two therapies this morning with his teacher, Miss Christi, and his speech therapist, Miss Jen. I didn't take a single photo. Then Gavin's hearing teacher, Miss Carol, came by. She was so thoughtful to bring dinner for me and Ed - White Chicken Chili which was both comforting and delicious. I did manage to take a photo of her with Gavin! Score one for Mommy.
Then Miss Maggie came for Gavin's speech therapy. They worked with the iPad and it didn't go very well. We used two photo choices - one preferred (his snow globe) and one non-preferred (a stuffed pink bear that Maggie brought). Gavin kept touching one side of the screen - the side that had the bear. He would start SOBBING when he got the bear - but when given the iPad again would, once again, choose the bear. We knew he wanted the snow globe, but he has to learn that he will get what he chooses based on what photo he touches. It was a vicious cycle. Seriously - he was sobbing. And it broke both of our hearts.

I realized today that Brian's birthday is TEN days away. His birthday video will be late. That realization was promptly followed by - HOLY COW! Christmas is NINETEEN days away! Yep, our Christmas cards will be late as well. I don't have a photo and haven't even come close to ordering cards. And for once, I just don't care. They might be New Year's Cards - and that will just have to be okay.

Things will get back to normal at some point - I'm sure of that. But for now - I hope you're able to love me where I am.


  1. Hi,

    I've never commented before but I really want to reach out to you. It's perfectly normal and understandable that you feel the way you do. You have recently experienced some very profound loss. I don't think anyone can or should just snap out of grief in a few weeks. So please, be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to be exactly where you are. Every single one of us experiences times when we are up and times when we are down and everything in between. You are good and lovable as you are this very moment.

  2. New Years cards are just fine, Kate. Matter-of-fact, I've received a few of those and sent them a couple of years, and it's actually fun to receive one (or a few!). Don't stress about it. And if you don't get them done this year, well, you just don't get them done. It happens. And it's okay.

    I'm glad to see you're going to try to get back to Dr. Trish as soon as possible. I'm sure that will help with healing you both mind and body!

    Take care of you, don't worry about us. The words will come, but you just need to get yourself unblocked.

    Sending *hugs*


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