Know why I didn't write yesterday? I was out of positive thoughts. Me! Out of positive thoughts. This is getting rather tiresome, wouldn't you say? This past Sunday I got clocked on the face by a falling globe light fixture. Some may see it as an unfortunate accident. Others might see it as yet another thing for me to deal with on top of all the other depressing things that have been happening the last few months. Before I tell you what I think...here are photos to show you just how BAD it really looks.
It's bad. No makeup or big sunglasses or huge floppy hat can hide these raccoon eyes. Of course, Christmas and New Year's are right around the corner. I'm pretty confident that Photo shop can't even help me. I'm pretty...depressed. On top of already being depressed. I've had to go out in public a few times and the stares are getting old. I can just imagine what is going through people's minds. I had been planning on going to the church that I grew up in (and Ed and I got married in!) for Christmas eve service with my Mom. Ed likely would have stayed behind at my parent's house with the boys. Can you imagine the whispers? "Did you see Kate Gallagher? She looked horrible! The bruises! And her husband wasn't there!" Scandalous. I'm SURE the lovely people in my home parish wouldn't be doing this - I'm kidding, of course. But my own insecurity will definitely keep me away. I don't feel like being stared at - on Christmas Eve - when I'll likely be crying anyway because my Dad's not there. Have no fear - my Mom still has my other, unbruised and beautiful sister, Bean with her at Church. It's all good.
But...I also think it's a sign. Maybe it took something falling from the "sky" to knock some sense into me. I need to get a handle on my feelings and get back to writing every day and smiling every night.
Don't get me wrong - life has gone on here at our house. I smile and laugh all day with the boys. We still hold "Dance Party" every night. I play Christmas tunes during the day. The boys see no difference in Mommy. Well, except for my scary eyes.
Gavin had his Feeding therapy yesterday with Miss...or should I say Mrs. Maggie. Maggie got married this past Friday!!!! Although Gavin's heart was broken, he let her back into his life for his therapy sessions. He did a great job with her - opened his mouth for a banana piece and even some bites of cereal.
I do need to get back on the regimen of feeding him solid foods each day. When everything started happening with my Dad, everything around here stopped.
In the background of this photo you can see our new helper, Miss Sara! She started yesterday and things are going well. Although her first time in the Hyperbaric Oxygen Chamber with Gavin was a bit of a bust today. He has never fussed with having the mask on his face - and rarely, if ever, pulled it off. Today he refused to keep it on. Every time she tried to put it on - he would pull it off immediately. I have a fear that our days of the Oxygen therapy may be over. We'll try again to see if it's a fluke - but I would never force him to keep the mask on. We had a good run of several years of him cooperating - so it wouldn't be a total loss if we stopped. Time will tell...
I've been saving my misery and tears and blah blah blah for the evenings...usually in the dead of night when all is quiet and everyone is asleep. I have not resorted to grieving loudly in the garage in the middle of the night - like I did after coming home from the hospital without my daughter, Darcy. But I do get out my frustrations on my poor, never did me any harm, innocent white pillow. Yep, I save all my crap for the night time. During the day it's all about these adorable boys.