If you came here today tiptoeing...wondering if I'm still a mess...I'm not. I bounce back pretty quickly from things. It's really hard not to, honestly. Every day there's something wonderful happening here...and today was no exception. Yesterday - I was distraught. That's the truth. Today - I am sad and nervous about our new "plan". But for most of the day I had to remind myself I was sad. I really am okay.
I am also feeling grateful. It always amazes me how many of you reach out to me - after dramatic posts like yesterday or even the run of the mill posts. People write to me with their personal stories, advice, prayers, motivation or just to be thoughtful. I appreciate every single email. I do try to respond to everyone, but it's getting harder! It means the world to me that anyone would take even two minutes out of their life to compose something to me. So, thank you.
Wonderful things really are happening around here. Brian is blossoming in many ways.
His language has improved - he has become a little parrot and mimics everything I say during the day. (Yikes - I better start watching what I say!) He also has begun pretending a LOT. He pretends he's a doggie...pretends to feed me or his stuffed animals...it's really fun to watch.
And Gavin - he's been blowing me away. He crawls up the stairs alone at warp speed!! We're working on crawling down backwards, but that's a lot more difficult. The most exciting news is in the feeding department. Over the last couple days, Gavin has been eating some UN-pureed foods! I made a batch of Lentils - and he ate them before they went in the food processor! Then I made a huge patch of Quinoa. I was a little more worried about this one. The texture is different...and it can be pasty which can be tough for Gavin.
I took a video of him eating it for the first time - mostly to show his feeding therapist, Miss Maggie. You can see it here - and notice how he eventually starts to chew it up after taking a while to process what it is that's in his mouth!
Quinoa is one of Gavin's favorite foods and I could tell he was quite proud of himself! At the end of the video you see him shaking his head back and forth. He does this a lot and people who don't know him often think he's saying "no". It's actually a sensory thing - he just likes how it feels to swing his head back and forth. At times he actually leans all the way forward and then throws his head back to bang it on the back of the chair.
Our little superhero is on a roll...surprising us with new skills every day. And suddenly he looks older to me. His face is fuller - his legs are longer - I can't believe that he'll soon be four.
As I said earlier, I receive a lot of emails. After yesterday's post I received more than normal. There were several emails and comments that I have let get to me. I tried to carefully word my post yesterday. I wanted to express my raw feelings (as I always do) and not hold back (which I rarely do) - but I wanted to be careful to not seem like I was chasing a baby at the expense of my boys. I received comments like, "Why would you say your dream may not come true to be a Mommy - you ARE one." "How could you say that when you have two beautiful boys." "I would feel it's ungrateful to say 'I have two - now I want one more'" And, my favorites - "I dare you to say that to Gavin and Brian's faces - that you HAD a dream". "You're selfish to keep asking God for more more more."
All I have to say to that is: sigh.
I'd ask you to all go back and read yesterday's post. I stand by every word I wrote as that is what I was feeling at the time. Anyone who would think that I don't love my boys clearly does not know me. Our reasons for having a third child are complex and even though they are none of anyone's business - I still write about why we are anxious for another. Actually - our desire to have a third is for our CHILDREN - not my OWN selfish desire. <*cursing under my breath*> Gavin may be disabled and dependent his entire life. We want a sibling for Brian for various reasons - so he has a brother or sister he can relate to...and for the day when Ed and I are gone. It would be a heavy burden for one brother. And we want a sibling for Gavin for the same exact reasons. We just want another. I really don't let much get to me - but this did. I felt kicked while I was down. I felt judged. I feel annoyed.
I'm taking off from this journal for a few days. I'll be back on Sunday.