Maybe it was the bursting into tears for no real reason that tipped me off. Perhaps it was tests that taunted me every morning with this obnoxious wake up call...
I kind of saw it coming...but today it became official. I am definitely not pregnant. And once again, I am crushed. As it is every month, I question if this is still the right thing to do. If we should still press on. I know the answer. I wrote about our journey to now and why we continue to try. But I have to tell you - this aint' easy.
This morning I began the paperwork to begin the process of In Vitro Fertilization. It is overwhelming. There are so many decisions. Ed and I are weighing everything carefully and proceeding the way that we feel best complements our comfort level and our beliefs. The paperwork is very involved and I found myself stuck on one section in particular. The section that stops me in my tracks every time I am faced with it. I'm asked to list all of my pregnancies with the dates and the outcome. I know how many babies I have lost (seven) but to try to remember the dates...to have to write it all down...it's emotionally draining. Blah.
In a few days I will be back in the doctor's office...but on the side I've never seen. The "other side" of the wall that I thought I would never need. The IVF side. They will take blood work to get a baseline on me as a new patient. Then they will prescribe, of all things, the birth control pill. It's all part of the process towards preparing my body for this...but it seems so backward and depressing. This IVF path will not be short - and it won't be fun. So any prayers or positive thoughts you can send my way would really cheer me up.
The good news (I guess)? The timing is pretty good. A week from tomorrow Ed and I leave for the Bahamas. At least nothing will interfere with our trip now. A mixed blessing.
So...let's change the subject and end with something happy. Gavin! He loves his new crib tent...and I love the comfort of knowing he's safe. I leave it open so he can still pull himself up to stand on that one side...
If you're wondering why I didn't get this sooner, I'll tell you. A while back Gavin went through this phase where he stuck his legs through the bars and then couldn't get them out. Just when I planned to buy the tent - he stopped doing it! I didn't end up getting it because I didn't want to discourage him from pulling up to stand and walking around the crib edges. But the "phase" returned - with a vengeance this time. This time he was getting his knee stuck and twisting his body in strange ways - he was even more at risk. So...until we get his special needs "big boy bed", this will have to do. Luckily, he loves it! Especially when his Twilight Turtle illuminates the netting at night.
I made sure he has a perfect view of his new favorite thing in that room - this little cardboard bird that I bought for $7.00 in the hospital gift shop! When the ceiling fan is on, the bird looks like it's flying around and Gavin laughs and laughs and laughs.
We can all sleep easy knowing that he is safe in his crib.