I screwed up.
Yesterday the four of us went to a family graduation party. I haven't seen a lot of these family members in a long time and was really looking forward to "catching up." We got to the party around 4:30 after a busy day with no naps...and 100 degree weather. Brian was a little bit wound up. Onlookers might not have thought so - but for Brian, he was wound up. As I tried to hold some conversations - I simultaneously had to keep Gavin from eating the furniture (I'm not kidding) and make sure Brian didn't wander from sight or pick up anything fragile. Every two seconds I was trying to keep Brian from getting into things...stop him from screaming...chasing him up the stairs or off the couch. My conversations were scattered...my thoughts were scattered...and I probably looked frazzled. I wasn't used to Brian acting so crazy and for a second I felt annoyed that he might be giving people a bad "first impression."
Uh, reality check, Kate. He's TWO.
In a moment that I have regretted since, I blurted out "Brian, you're embarrassing me!"
As soon as it came out of my mouth I wanted to cry. No, I don't think anyone heard me. Yes, I understand that Brian likely didn't even know what I was talking about. But I heard it - and I know. And I feel pretty ashamed of myself. One thing that is very important to me is respecting my children. I would never...ever...want them to feel that they are an embarrassment to me. I would never want to shame them publicly like I feel I did yesterday to Brian. Ugh. I just feel so sick about it.
I lost my cool.
I guess one of the reasons that it bothers me so much has to do with Gavin. I would never want anyone (especially me!) to humiliate HIM in public for being himself. I would never want anyone to say they're embarrassed for being with him - ever! What kind of lesson would I be teaching my children - about patience and compassion and tolerance for others - if I can't keep my cool with them!
Am I over thinking this? Perhaps. But for me - it's a bigger issue.
Some moments in life stick with you. For me, this is one of those moments. It was a big, swift kick of a lesson for this Mommy. And I'm not ashamed to admit it.
I'm so sorry, Brian.